To my seemingly undying negativity.

I'm tired of thinking about you. Yes, YOU. Please stay away from me. Go bother someone else's head.

sarsarita blog

Since friendster closed down I moved my old blog to wordpress just so I could save all of my old posts. In case I actually have readers, you may find my old blog at http://sarsarita.wordpress.com/. (ilusyonada mode: ON) haha

saturdate

When he told me that he'd take me flying, my head's initial reaction was "Marunong kaya talaga sya?" 

It's not because I didn't trust him enough. It's just that I'm not used to seeing him as a pilot. I never had the chance to actually see him fly a plane prior to our day trip. Sure, we talk about things related to his soon-to-be profession but it was all in theory. I never actually got to see him near a plane. Let alone fly one.

He was actually suffering from fever the night before our date. I was already suggesting that we  postpone it to some other day when he feels better already. But since he scheduled his check ride on the same day cancelling was not really an option despite his sickly state.

Thankfully, when we left early in the morning he was feeling a little better. Just to allow him to have some rest before flying, I agreed to drive and traverse the dreadful EDSA. Actually, I was pretty confident that EDSA would not give me trouble that morning. It was early Saturday morning. How could there be traffic in EDSA?? But as if the Highway is mocking me, I found myself head to head with trucks and buses. Well.. okay, for normal drivers, traffic may not have been that bad. But for a bad driver like me, EDSA will always be a nightmare whatever day it is. And so, I drove up to Nlex with full concenration. (despite my proclamation last Tuesday that I will never ever drive up north.) When we stopped by the gasoline station, he took over the driving, which I more than willingly gave up. 

While he drove us, I gave in to the calling of dreamland. When we arrived at his school I was still so sleepy that when he offered to leave me in the car while he finishes some paper work  I simply grumbled  "Uh-huh" in between my snoring.

When he came back to wake me, he was already upbeat and intense.  While he rummaged through his things to get ready, I was debating in my head whether my "inaantok pa ako, mamaya na lang" tactic would work as it usually does. But when I saw how serious he was  I realized that today is not the day that my tactic would work. So, with all the energy I had, I tried to get up and fix myself. 

We were transported by the school's L300 van to the main airport's runway. I did not understand why we needed to go to the main airport but the look of concentration on his face told me that questions would be entertained later.  I was sensing this silent intensity from him.  When I remembered that we were there because he will take me flying, I thought to myself, "Ah dapat lang na mag concentrate sya."

When we got to the runway, I saw the plane that we are to use and the pilot who used it earlier. I was still not asking questions at this point although I was watching him closely as I try to determine whether he is actually up for it considering his state the previous night. 

The first thing that he did upon alighting the van is to approach the caucasian pilot. I heard him ask the pilot, "Which runway did you use to depart?" Or something like that. (I'm sorry. I do not speak pilot language)  I panicked and said a silent prayer when I heard this.

While he was helping the I-dont-know-what-you-call-them  to prep the plane up, I kept thinking "pag nag yaya na kaya ako umuwi magagalit sya sakin?" But of course I didn't say that aloud because if I so much hint on that idea, I'd  forever be "the girl na nagyayang umuwi sa takot". 

And it's a good thing that my fear did not win me over because it's the coolest date I've ever had. It's not everyday that I get to ride a plane with the pilot as my date! But more than anything, I was happy to actually see him fly a plane. When we were younger, he would always tell me how much he wanted to become a pilot. At the time he considered it as merely a dream. Never to become a reality. But look at him now! A few months away from finally becoming a professional pilot. 

I am very happy that I get to see his "Wish ko lang dream" fulfilled.  

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My attempt at reviving my blogging.=)

call spade a spade

I could think of plenty of sappy love quotes to describe how our relationship is. But then why bother describing it? It is what it is. The rest of the world can simply make their own assumptions. ;)

I gotta see about a girl

Will: I don't care if Helen of Troy walks in the room, that's Game 6! 
Sean: Oh, Helen of Troy... 
Will: Oh my God; and who are these fuckin' friends of yours, they let you get away with that? 
Sean: Oh... they had to. 
Will: W-w-w-what'd you say to them? 
Sean: I just slid my ticket across the table, and I said, "Sorry, guys; I gotta see about a girl." 
Will: I gotta go see about a girl? 
Sean: Yeah. 
Will: That's what you said? And they let you get away with that? 
Sean: Oh, yeah. They saw in my eyes that I meant it. 
Will: You're kiddin' me. 
Sean: No, I'm not kiddin' you, Will. That's why I'm not talkin' right now about some girl I saw at a bar twenty years ago and how I always regretted not going over and talking to her. I don't regret the 18 years I was married to Nancy. I don't regret the six years I had to give up counseling when she got sick. And I don't regret the last years when she got really sick. And I sure as hell don't regret missin' the damn game. That's regret. 
[pause] 
Will: Wow... Woulda been nice to catch that game, though. 
Sean: [sheepishly] I didn't know Pudge was gonna hit a homer. 

"waste me not" - time

The world will never *SIT back and wait for you to catch up.

Lately, I've been feeling like the world has gone impatient with me. It is as if the world thinks that I've wasted enough of its time and now is the moment that I should be doing something in return for all the time I've borrowed. But the problem is after having fulfilled my wannabe dream I now find myself standing at multiple crossroads. 

I'm at this imaginary road with too many paths before me and I can't really decide where to go. It seems all of them are promising  and I'm afraid that if I make a decision now I might miss better opportunities. So, I find myself throwing precious time peeking at each of those paths, wondering which path would suit me best. 

Sometimes I wish I could take a peek at my future, just so I could have a clue on what is really in store for me.   I've thought of consulting a fortune teller but then the coward me knows that I might not be able to gracefully handle whatever the fortune teller would tell me. Be it a bogus panghuhula o mala nostradamus effect ang dating.

But then so what if I might take the wrong route? It won't be the first time. I've done it before and it didn't kill me. I've taken so many wrong turns in my life and look at me now. I've fulfilled my wannabe dream and I can still smile with my gums all out. Nakakita ka na ng lawyer na magilagid? That's me.haha

So, what the heck. I shall waste no more time and simply take the route that is most tempting at the moment. And that is the UWIAN route! 6pm na uwian na!!! =)
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*I was reviewing back posts when  I noticed that I typed in the wrong word (seat). Yan, the error has been corrected!

Disclaimer

This blog is about me. Never have I intended to dedicate this blog to anyone. If it so happens that you feel like any entry in this blog is about you, don't flatter yourself too much to the point that you'd go around telling people I've been blogging about you. 

Just to set things straight, yes, sometimes I blog about some of the people that I come across with. But I do not actually blog about THEM. I blog about how I feel, about my experience, how I perceive the events involving those people. 

This is my way of telling my story in a tasteful manner. Readers are welcome to read my blog if they find it interesting enough. But the idea that someone would read my blog just to check if I've blogged about him/her so that he/she could go and brag about it to his/her friends is a bit insulting on my part. Please don't exploit my blog to simply satisfy your sorry ego. Don't you have issues of your own? Why waste your time with mine? 

But then, I guess, if it's the only way to make yourself truly happy, go ahead. Indulge yourself. It won't kill me anyway. 

it's okay to be hurt

Sandra Kurtzman: You know I worry about you sometimes. 
Emma: Why? Is this about me not having a date? 
Sandra Kurtzman: No, I know you can dance alone. I know that you'll be fine. You're always fine. 
Emma: So? 
Sandra Kurtzman: I don't know. When we lost your father I couldn't stand to see you in pain and I think you knew that. I think that you got good at being strong for me. 
[pauses] 
Sandra Kurtzman: I'm telling you, be hurt. I can take it. The world can take it. 
Emma: [teary] Okay. 

m. carmichael

"The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back."

to run or not.

Oh yes, she's running.
The question is, "Is she running towards you or away from you ?"

bubble boy

Kung si bubble boy ang boyfriend ko, tapos ang problema ko. 

true story. i promise and i swear.

One of my wannabe dreams is to be able to write a book someday. 

With all that has happened in my life, I'd like to think that I have enough stories to tell people. Believe me when I say that I have been through the worst to the point that I began to think, "May balat ba ako sa pwet?" 

Now, this is not to say that my life is a one whole 'Maalala Mo Kaya' series. It is actually far from being one because every time my life comes to that scene where I should have been bawling my eyes out something suddenly comes up ruining the supposed heart breaking moment for me. 

It is as if at exact the moment when my eyes are ready to let it all out, I suddenly find myself distracted by something else. Such that I am left with the dilemma  of whether to   let the drama queen in me take over or to let myself be distracted by whatever it is that  kept me from my best actress moment. And most of the time, the latter happens. 

I have this inherent tendency of discarding my emotions. To leave it hanging or repressed without being bothered about it at all. I consider it a gift. But a friend of mine finds it disturbing. Either way, this is just how I am. 

I have stories to tell. But could I actually tell these stories while I continue to be emotionally detached? I doubt it. For me to be able to fulfill one of my wannabe dreams I have to let the drama queen in me take over. That should be easy enough... Not. 

But then if I attempt to write in such a detached state I do not think I'd be able to convey my story in its genuine form. I'd probably end up with a book report done by a kid who, obviously, did not want to finish his homework. 

We write with our emotions. That's the only way we can tell our stories. If we remove the emotions from the story, we would be left with bare facts devoid of any significance. And that's not really much of a story.


So, make way for the drama queen. She is on her way. Chos. 

do I have to?

Chuck: There's a difference between a great love and the right love. I left the Empire State Building last year after two minutes when you didn't show. Louis waited all night. This is your chance at happiness. You think you shouldn't want it 'cause you've never had it and it scares you. But you deserve your fairytale.

Blair: We make our own fairytales.

Chuck: Only when we have to.

i am no hater.

Hatred is my least favorite emotion because I think it takes too much from a person. And it's really not something worth investing your feelings on since there is no use in feeling such a powerful emotion towards someone who is not really worth your time. 

If you ask me, it's not advisable to allow your mind to entertain  such a feeling. Chances are if you let it past your guard, it will eat you up whole  leaving you more obsessed about whatever it is that caused you to think about hate in the first place. 

So, instead of hating, I prefer the 'not caring' approach. You'd be surprised how much it can make your life a wee bit easier. I think, it would even help you get rid of those excess baggage you've been carrying with you all your life. (Apathy is the key!)

But then this is just my twisted self talking. =)

charmer, no charming.

Why use your brain when you can simply rely on your charms?
But then NEVER overuse it.

prince william is no toad.

I think the reason why so many women are so hyped up about William and Kate's wedding is that it serves as proof that fairy tales do come true. Happy endings do happen. A commoner can find a prince in a sea of toads. 

Of course, not all of us can end up with a real prince. But then Prince William seems to be a prince not only by birth. For me, he earned his title when he stayed with Kate for 8 long years even if he could have dated the entire female population. It takes a real man to do that and for that he is worthy to be called a prince. 

funny first

It was my first time to appear in court today all by myself. Usually, I go to court with one of my bosses to simply observe. But today was different. The spotlight was on me. 

When I entered my appearance before the judge, he actually thought my name was 'Salah'. Also, I kept on calling him 'Sir' instead of 'Your Honor'. I kept on saying, 'Yes, sir... Your Honor.'. I felt like I was in law school again, reciting before an unsmiling professor. 

It was a very funny experience for me. But for the other people in the court room... wala lang. =)) 

ice cream party

I scream for ice cream! Peppermint mocha would have to be my favorite!=)

At sino si Cherry Garcia? 

turning tables

______________

For some reason, this song hits close to home. I'm not even thinking of anyone in particular when I heard this. This is bad. 

yes man.

If she thinks it's worth it, she'd give an answer ten steps beyond a yes. 

time, be kind.

There are so many things I want to do but it seems that there is not enough time in my hands.  Now that my wannabe dream has been finally fulfilled, all I want now is enough time for everything else. 

short fiction

written December 2010
She’s a girl who has seen too much drama in her life. She grew up with drama and never really parted with it. But unlike others, she did not allow drama to rule her. She pretended that it was not there; convinced others that all was normal. For years, she has done it. She was good at it. Even at the most supposedly devastating moment of her life, she was not moved. Well, actually she was but not just in the way she was supposed to be moved.

She’s in love right now. Well, I think she is. But the guy she’s in love with has changed his mind. ANOTHER DRAMA for her. But then again this too shall pass. She’ll move on. I'm sure she will. There is just no other way. 

Unfinished entry: his sky.

I was browsing through my files when I saw this unfinished entry. I have no plans of finishing this now since I see no point in doing so. I've learned my lesson and that's that. 
____________________

His Sky (May 13, 2009)

I’ve seen the world through his eyes. From his perspective, the world isn’t as difficult to live in as it really is. It’s one of those things that made me admire him. The world was his playground.  He recognizes the rules but those would never stop him from fulfilling his whims. I liked his world very much. It was different from the one that I was used to wherein everything should make sense. I was a very practical person or at least that’s what I try to be. But a great part of me didn’t want to be practical. I didn’t want to makes sense out of everything. A part of me simply wanted to live life as it is, without giving too much thought about things.

His world fascinated me. It was totally what I wanted. I wanted very much to become a part of it.  And for a time I was a part of it. For a time, I shared his world. We were happy. But then I realized that his world isn’t that easy to live in. I realized that the world he has created was simply the same as mine. The only difference is that whenever he is faced with some difficulties he turns a blind eye. He shuts everything that seems to be complicated and turns the other way. Letting fate decide whether he’d go forward or remain where he is.

there are no words for this

They say happiness means being content with what you have. But what do you call the emotion you feel when you finally get that one thing you've always wanted? Surely, that can't be happiness if we go by the definition I just gave. 

I think it's a much stronger feeling than happiness. But I don't think there is a word for it. I doubt that there is a word out there that is actually capable of encapsulating the feeling of being able to realize, at long last, your wannabe dream. Besides, labels are too constricting. Why limit such a profound feeling by words that are incapable of giving full significance to it?

I don't even think I should be wasting my time trying to figure out what this emotion should be called. I don't think that the lack of a word for it would somehow diminish this euphoric feeling within me. I should simply relish this feeling while it lasts.

All I know is, it's definitely NOT JUST A FEELING. It's something else. The best 'something' I've ever felt for the longest time!=)

It's called manning up.

Frank Tupelo: Do you mind me smoking? It's not a real cigarette.
Elise: What?
Frank Tupelo: It's electronic. It delivers the same amount of nicotine but the smoke is water vapor. Yeah, watch.[he takes a few drags of the electronic cigarette and stabs the end on his hand]
Frank Tupelo: LED light.
Elise: That's somewhat disappointing.
Frank Tupelo: Would you rather have me smoking for real?
Elise: I would rather you be a man who did exactly as he pleased.

pang-pelicula

I know I can't do this forever.

So, I might as well go all out now while I still have the heart for it.

all in a day's work

I was not prepared at all for what I have witnessed today. I attended the preliminary investigation of the estafa case that our firm is handling. The office of the prosecutor was quite small so everyone in the room knew exactly what was going on in all of the cases that were called.

The case that was called before ours was for rape. The rape victim was in her teens. The accused was nowhere in sight. From the conversation between prosecutor and the family of the victim, it appeared that the family was no longer interested in pursuing the case. The prosecutor did not look convinced at all. She kept asking questions as to why the victim was desisting from the case. At one point the father of the victim tried to express himself. He said, "Gusto ko po ipaalam ang saloobin ko, ngunit ako po ay nahihirapan." While he was saying this, it was clear that he was trying to fight his emotions. I think the decision to back out was not really his. But then again I am in no position to make such assumptions. The prosecutor tried to address the victim directly. When she asked the girl why they were withdrawing from the case, the girl started sobbing.

At this point, I was already panicking in my head. I did not want to be there to hear the victim's answer 'coz I know that whatever her reason was for backing out would simply break my heart. Maybe she simply wants to suffer in silence. Maybe she and her family were threatened by the accused. Maybe, feeling defeated and hopeless, she saw no point in putting the accused behind bars. I could not really think of any other reason which could somehow paint a happy ending to this tragedy.

When the prosecutor asked her why she was desisting from the case for the second time, the rape victim managed to answer in between sobs, "Kasi po wala sya kasalanan." Wrong answer. The prosecutor got suspicious at this point. With narrowed eyes she asked the victim, "Pano mo nasabi?" She said this with so much force that I was not able to stop my eyes from widening. The prosecutor caught my reaction and realizing how sensitive the case was, she decided that I had seen enough. After collecting herself, the prosecutor looked straight at me and said, "Yung sa'yo Attorney(Yes, I get this all the time these days.=P), for resolution na ha. Hindi dumating yung complainant." And that was my cue to leave the room.

It was only while I was descending the stairs that I realized that, aside from the prosecutor, I was the only stranger there in the room. Because of all that was going on in the room, I failed to notice that all the other cases have been called already and that I was the only one left to witness the drama.

I was actually glad that she made me leave. I really had no wish of finding out why the victim changed her mind about the case. I didn't have the heart for it. The sight of the victim sobbing with her family by her side, all trying to give the appearance of strength when in fact they looked so defeated, was too much for me to handle.

I am supposed to get used to this kind of scenario. But then is it actually possible for someone to get used to this kind of circumstance? I'm willing to bet that the prosecutor herself, despite her years of experience, was taken aback by the decision of the victim. I don't think anyone with a heart would actually be able to simply shrug their shoulders when they hear of something like this.

This is not really something that you could nor should get used to.

I write. I have to write.

There are so many things going on around me right now. So many things I could write about. But I could not really bring myself to write about anything.

Is it because I became so used to simply ignoring the things around me? Of simply brushing things aside thinking that they are simply a waste of my time?

Or is it because of my dyslexia? Is it getting worse to the point that I cannot bring myself to find the right words to express my true feelings? That thought is scary.

I used to like writing about my feelings, especially when I find myself feeling strongly about something. But now, I always find myself struggling with words every time I try to express myself.

Writing has always been one of my favorite things in life. I would like to even believe that I am good at it.. well, that is MY belief. =P I have to love my own writings! Otherwise, who would appreciate it?

It saddens me that I now find myself struggling trying to do the one thing that I was able to do with so much ease before. This cannot happen. I still have a book to write. Yeah. I have not let go of that dream yet. Someday, I'll write a book! Oh yes, I will! Just wait and see.=)

______________________

This is my attempt at writing again.

it's acidic.

A true lady never loses her cool.

When she must express her anger, she chooses her words wisely.

If that's not enough, she would simply give off her most acidic smile.

sorsya is renewed. almost.

I have to admit my ''the truth will set you free" project did me really good.

Ever since I've decided to be completely honest with my closest friends I've felt like I have unloaded a gigantic burden that I've been keeping within me for the longest time. Now, I feel like there's no longer any reason for me to be afraid though the guilt is still there.

As a part of this dealing with the truth drama, I decided to do something a little extreme. Before new year's eve I posted this status on my facebook account:

Sarah Abraham I made the biggest regret of my life this 2010. I became too selfish and proud that I had hurt a loved one so badly and I didn't have the courage to say sorry while he was in his death bed, even if I knew fully well that it was my last chance to do so. (Negaman, I'm so sorry and forever I will be. Somehow, in someway, I will try to make up for everything.)

December 30, 2010 at 11:29pm via Mobile Web · · Comment

I was being bold and brave when I posted this. The post was a big leap for me. I was used to subtleties. It was all part of my strategy of renewing myself. I figured it would help me a lot if I could admit to many people a part of my regret last year. It's not that I owe them the truth but it's because I owe it to myself to finally recognize what I've been trying to repress for months now. It was my way of saying "Yes, world. I know what I did. There. It's out already. Let me move on now." I might sound a little too dramatic here. HELLO STATUS LANG YON SA FACEBOOK. But I don't really care about what the people in facebook would think of my status. I'm sure there were nega people there who thought, "drama naman nito, new year na new year." But at the time that I posted the status I did not really care. I have my own reason for posting that status. It was all part of my healing process.

So, how am I right now? I feel actually renewed. If I were to be blunt about it I would say "medyo puwede na ako mag- yabang." I feel like I'm a better person already and it's only the start of the year. Wow. Let's go 2011.