I dated someone for almost a year but the relationship did not really blossom into anything promising. I have to admit I was a bit hurt by how our so-called relationship ended. I wasn't expecting it to end that way. I was expecting more from him. The ending was cold and impersonal. It didn't quite fit with the person that I thought he was.
But, you know what, because of that sort of 'break-up' (if you can actually consider that a break up) I've realized so many things. You see, in the one year that we've dated I've been too safe for my own good. Painfully safe. Every time I thought he was getting too close I made a conscious effort to push him way. Whenever I felt that I am about to be cornered, I try to find a way to escape.
It wasn't that I didn't like the guy enough for me to let him in. I actually liked the way I liked him. It's just that I was trying to hide something. Not only from him but also from the people around me. And every time I felt he was getting too close already I felt that I had to confess to him. But I wasn't ready to do that just yet, so I pushed him away instead. And I have to say my strategy completely worked. I was successful in pushing him away, I never got to tell him the truth about something. He never found out about my story. I was able to convince him to stay away from me for good. Was that what I wanted to happen from the very beginning? Not really. I wanted to be truthful to him. To tell him everything that I've been keeping for the longest time. But I was such a coward. I was afraid of what he would think of me. I was afraid that if he found out about it he would never look at me the same way again. Oh yes, I was THAT afraid.
When he told me that he changed his mind already, after almost 3 weeks of giving me the silent treatment, I realized something: If I wanted to have a lasting relationship with someone I needed to confront my fear. I really can't go on with my life pretending that something did not happen. I cannot keep pushing people away from me for fear that they would not accept me.
I'm not going to lie, I was tempted to run after him. To make him see what I was really afraid of. But then I can't afford to repeat old patterns. I've done that before. I've chased after a guy who did not want to be with me. I don't think telling him the truth would actually change his mind about me now. I'm not going down that road again.
So instead of dwelling over the fact that he changed his mind about me, I decided I would try to finally get over something that I have been running away from for the longest time. I decided I would start telling people my real story.
You might think that I must have done something so bad to make me THIS afraid. Yes, for me it was THAT bad that I am actually ashamed of telling people about it. Because if you knew my story, I think you would think of me as a selfish and cold hearted individual. I am actually scared for myself because of it.
So lately I have been working on this 'the truth will set you free' drama. I have to say,I was surprised to find out that confessing to other people isn't really that hard. But then it's maybe because I am confessing to people who are actually close to me. To people that I really trust. All of them said that what happened was really not my fault. A part of me is willing to believe that, but then maybe it will take me a little more time to fully believe in that because up until today I still feel like that I had something to do with what happened. And I am really not rushing to forgive myself for what happened. Right now, I'm just glad that I was able to finally face my fear. To finally tell other people about what really happened this year.
So, I guess the ending of our relationship actually did me good. If it weren't for that I would've continued with my strategy of pushing people away just so I could keep myself from being vulnerable. I guess the ending was necessary. I would not complain about it. I just really wish he chose a more 'gentlemanly' ending. But then I don't really have a say on that part. So I'd simply settle with the feeling of being thankful that despite the end of that relationship I was able to face something that I should've dealt with from the very beginning.
