I was supposed to go on a trip with my friends tomorrow. The trip has long been planned. I already paid for my airfare. I've kept enough money to cover my expenses for the trip. In fact, I could actually splurge a little if I allowed myself. I was ready to take the trip. It was the perfect opportunity for me to destress and have a change of environment even for a few days only.
Unfortunately, the trip will not happen, at least for me. My friends are still going. And I can only imagine how excited they are tonight while packing their bags for tomorrow. While I, on the other hand, am sitting on my bed in an indian seat position facing the laptop thinking about the trip that I will not be going to. (and it's killing me)
So, why am I not going?
My simple answer would be, "I choose to be smart and practical."
But then as I contemplate on how I was able to arrive at such a simple reason for not going, I began to think that my reason for not going is simply a lame justification to free myself of the actual GUILT I am feeling for choosing to cancel my trip.
You see, as the date of our trip came near, the little devil suddenly appeared on my shoulder and kept telling me, "You know the money you saved for your trip, you could actually use that to finally buy something you really need." For days, I was tortured by that voice inside my head.
The little devil made practical sense. My supposed trip would only last for 3 days. After that, I am back to reality. On the other hand, the 'thing' that the devil kept tempting me to buy will last longer than 3 days. Way longer.
When one is presented with both ideas, a practical person would clearly settle for the latter choice. And I was trying to be THAT person when I made the decision to simply buy the 'thing'.
But my dilemma did not stop there. After giving in to the call of practicality, a new idea slowly crept inside my head: I could still afford the trip. It was a win win situation, actually. But to give in to my whim, I had to break my promise to never dip into my savings unless it has become absolutely necessary. You see, I have set aside this emergency fund for myself. I was bound to feign ignorance of its existence. I told myself that I shall only use the money when I am already as good as a pauper. Obviously, wanderlust is not among the priorities of a pauper. I doubt a pauper would actually care if he is going on a trip or not. With that resolve, I CANCELLED my trip. I should be happy that my decision is well substantiated. It is completely anchored on sound and logical arguments. But no matter how practically sound my decision was, I cannot rid myself of the guilt I am feeling for choosing to cancel it. Such that all these arguments now seem to be mere excuses for the wrong decision I have made.
Yes, I know my decision is what a smart and practical adult would make. However, despite that fact, I cannot stop myself from thinking that, regardless of the practicality of my decision, I made the WRONG CHOICE. Deep within me, I feel that I should not have cancelled my trip. It seemed to be the right decision but my heart never agreed with it. And as between the practical and the dictates of my heart, I know fully well that practicality will never win over my heart.
What a tragedy I have made for myself. :(
I cannot do anything about it now because it's too late, I cannot just take off from work on such a short notice. Unless, I can come up with a good enough excuse that will convince my bosses to let me take a leave for 3 days starting tomorrow... mag ka sore eyes kaya ulit ako?
Oh well. At least, I learned a very important lesson: "What may be smart and practical may not be the right choice for you." But I know this already! Why do I keep forgetting this?! Di ba nga, the cliche says, "follow your heart and the rest will follow." #kailanganpabangimemorizeyan?!
