Poker face

I will never reveal my cards until I know and I am sure that it is the right time to reveal them.

I am no dora.

At what point do I let go? 

I know those lines are too strong for an opening. But that is really the first thing that came to my head tonight.  I find myself (yet again) at this imaginary crossroad. Two paths stand before me. One is predictable and familiar while the offers an unknown path for me to explore. 

The new path is intriguing. It offers possibilities that I have not even considered. But, at the same time, it demands that I completely abandon the familiar path. And that's where my problem lies. 

The idea of letting go of the familiar frightens me. The thought that I would be treading new and unknown grounds without so much of an idea of what I would be getting myself into makes me nervous to the point that I would rather carry on the tried and tested road even if it means that I would be subjecting myself to a robotic routine. 

When did I stop living? When did I become so adverse to change? 

get out of my head.

Bad memories have been haunting me lately. Often, I find myself deliberately closing my eyes in an attempt to block things that I do not want to remember.  I do not want to dwell on them any more as they should no longer hold any significance to me. But, for some reason, they keep on resurfacing in my consciousness. To make it worse, I think they have become more potent as ever. 

I do not really know what to make of it. If I had any choice, I would have completely erased it from my memory. I am at my happiest now but the reminder brought by those bad memories somehow manages to suck the every shed of happiness out of me. 

Yes, I am being cryptic here. But even as I am typing this entry, I am trying to fight off every thought which could lead me to the dreaded memory I am trying to avoid. I do not think going through it detail by detail will be of any help. Besides, it involves sensitive issues that is not for other people's exploiting. 

I know I cannot let it have so much power over me. After all, they are just thoughts, intangible and fleeting. I am BIGGER than my thoughts. It cannot bully me to misery unless I allow it to. 

But maybe this is all because it is that time of the month... Either way, I want it OUT OF MY HEAD. Now. For good. 

what happens now?

I think it is about time I confront what has been bothering me for the past few weeks. 

I need change. I badly need it. 

Lately, I have been feeling that everything around me has become routinary. Slowly, I feel like I am becoming robotic. 

I am not miserable but neither am ecstatic about the things around me. To be fair, it has nothing to do with the relationships I have. It is more about my personal growth. My feeling of self worth. I know I should be happy and content. I have fulfilled my one and only wannabe dream. But being human and all, I realized that I want something more. I feel as  if there is still something missing. 

I am at that stage where I can actually afford to gamble. But the problem is I do not have the slightest idea of what I should gamble on. I want to explore new possibilities. That is one thing I am sure of. But I do not know where to start.

--- There I have said it. And still I am clueless.

05.01.2007

Happy Endings

Fairy tales usually end their story by having the princess marry the prince. After the grand wedding we never hear from them anymore. 

Did they have kids? Did they remain happy? Or was their happiness short-lived? Was the prince really that charming that the princess fell in love with him instantly? Is the princess that enchanting that the prince decided right then that she’s the woman he’s going to spend the rest of his life with? Did the prince remain faithful to his princess or did he cheat on her with any of the chamber maids? After a few years of being together did the princess ever realize that her prince wasn’t so charming after all? 

         

We never really knew what happened to them. Their marriage was never the end of the story. It was only the beginning of a whole new story. Falling for each other is always the easy part. Staying happy after that is an entirely different matter.

As for me, this is my kind of happy ending:

"I've always had a thing for happy endings; I don't know why. You know the movies where the couple falls in love, gets married, has kids, then fifty or sixty years later, one of them dies, and two or three days later the other one dies. Okay, so that's not a great example of a happy ending. I mean two people are dead. But, for some reason I thought Katie and I would be that couple. Not that we would be dead, I mean, but that we would go on forever."--Ben Jordan (Bruce Willis) 

____________

Romantic teeny bopper. 2007. :P

missing it. badly.

I miss writing. Well, actually it's not the writing part that I miss. I write everyday. I write pleadings, motions, letters to clients and all those formal, legal and boring stuff. What I really miss is writing with my emotions. 

Unfortunately,  I often find myself mentally exhausted after a day's work such that I no longer have the energy to summon my tired and drained out brain cells to formulate coherent sentences that would somehow express what I feel in a tasteful and articulate manner. 

I know this is too drama queen of me. But you have to understand, this is my only hope into believing that I am somehow blessed with the artistic gene. If I would accept the reality that my writing sucks, ako na ang taong walang ka talent talent. So, please. I beg for your indulgence. 

So, what led me to write this particular entry. Well, I was supposed to be finishing up a pleading for tomorrow. But then I remembered the stack of CDs I've been meaning to check last weekend. As between the urgent pleading that I need for tomorrow and my tendency to procrastinate.....need I say more.:P

After entertaining myself with old pictures dating back as far as 2006, I found some word files of blog entries I never bothered posting online. Some of them really surprised me. I mean I was surprised by the emotions contained in some of the entries that it got me thinking, "Talaga??? Naisip ko yon?". Other entries made me think, "Me ganon??".  While other entries are just so plain naive. Kung pwde ko lang batukan sarili ko dati ginawa ko na. Reading my old entries allowed me to take a peek on how my brain worked in the past. And all I can say is ... gaga talaga sya dati pa. 

Kidding aside. I wish I could write more about what is happening now. So that a few years from now, when I, once again, find myself bored with writing legal non sense I could look back at unpublished blog entries dating as far back as today.:) 

ang hindi nakasama. bow.

I was supposed to go on a trip with my friends tomorrow. The trip has long been planned. I already paid for my airfare. I've kept enough money to cover my expenses for the trip. In fact, I could actually splurge a little if I allowed myself. I was ready to take the trip. It was the perfect opportunity for me to destress and have a change of environment even for a few days only. 

Unfortunately, the trip will not happen, at least for me. My friends are still going. And I can only imagine how excited they are tonight while packing their bags for tomorrow. While I, on the other hand, am sitting on my bed in an indian seat position facing the laptop thinking about the trip that I will not be going to. (and it's killing me)

So, why am I not going? 

My simple answer would be, "I choose to be smart and practical." 

But then as I contemplate on how I was able to arrive at such a simple reason for not going, I began to think that my reason for not going is simply a lame justification to free myself of the actual GUILT I am feeling for choosing to cancel my trip. 

You see, as the date of our trip came near, the little devil suddenly appeared  on my shoulder and kept telling me, "You know the money you saved for your trip, you could actually use that to finally buy something you really need." For days, I was tortured by that voice inside my head. 

The little devil made practical sense. My supposed trip would only last for 3 days. After that, I am back to reality. On the other hand, the 'thing' that the devil kept tempting me to buy will last longer than 3 days. Way longer.  

When one is presented with both ideas, a practical person would clearly settle for the latter choice. And I was trying to be THAT person when I made the decision to simply buy the 'thing'. 

But my dilemma did not stop there.  After giving in to the call of practicality, a new idea slowly crept inside my head: I could still afford the trip. It was a win win situation, actually. But to give in to my whim, I had to break my promise to never dip into my savings unless it has become absolutely necessary. You see,  I have set aside this emergency fund for myself. I was bound to feign ignorance of its existence. I told myself that I shall only use the money when I am already as good as a pauper. Obviously, wanderlust is not among the priorities of a pauper. I doubt a pauper would actually care if he is going on a trip or not. With that resolve, I CANCELLED my trip.  I should be happy that my decision is well substantiated. It is completely anchored  on sound and logical arguments. But no matter how practically sound my decision was, I cannot rid myself of the guilt I am feeling for choosing to cancel it. Such that all these arguments now seem to be mere excuses for the wrong decision I have made. 

Yes, I know my decision is what a smart and practical adult would make. However, despite that fact, I cannot stop myself from thinking that, regardless of the practicality of my decision, I made the WRONG CHOICE. Deep within me, I feel that I should not have cancelled my trip. It seemed to be the right decision but my heart never agreed with it. And as between the practical and the dictates of my heart, I know fully well that practicality will never win over my heart. 

What a tragedy I have made for myself. :(

I cannot do anything about it now because it's too late, I cannot just take off from work on such a short notice. Unless, I can come up with a good enough excuse that will convince my bosses to let me take a leave for 3 days starting tomorrow... mag ka sore eyes kaya ulit ako? 

Oh well. At least, I learned a very important lesson: "What may be smart and practical may not be the right choice for you." But I know this already! Why do I keep forgetting this?! Di ba nga, the cliche says, "follow your heart and the rest will follow." #kailanganpabangimemorizeyan?!