we are meant to meet the people in our lives.

I dated someone for almost a year but the relationship did not really blossom into anything promising. I have to admit I was a bit hurt by how our so-called relationship ended. I wasn't expecting it to end that way. I was expecting more from him. The ending was cold and impersonal. It didn't quite fit with the person that I thought he was.

But, you know what, because of that sort of 'break-up' (if you can actually consider that a break up) I've realized so many things. You see, in the one year that we've dated I've been too safe for my own good. Painfully safe. Every time I thought he was getting too close I made a conscious effort to push him way. Whenever I felt that I am about to be cornered, I try to find a way to escape.

It wasn't that I didn't like the guy enough for me to let him in. I actually liked the way I liked him. It's just that I was trying to hide something. Not only from him but also from the people around me. And every time I felt he was getting too close already I felt that I had to confess to him. But I wasn't ready to do that just yet, so I pushed him away instead. And I have to say my strategy completely worked. I was successful in pushing him away, I never got to tell him the truth about something. He never found out about my story. I was able to convince him to stay away from me for good. Was that what I wanted to happen from the very beginning? Not really. I wanted to be truthful to him. To tell him everything that I've been keeping for the longest time. But I was such a coward. I was afraid of what he would think of me. I was afraid that if he found out about it he would never look at me the same way again. Oh yes, I was THAT afraid.

When he told me that he changed his mind already, after almost 3 weeks of giving me the silent treatment, I realized something: If I wanted to have a lasting relationship with someone I needed to confront my fear. I really can't go on with my life pretending that something did not happen. I cannot keep pushing people away from me for fear that they would not accept me.

I'm not going to lie, I was tempted to run after him. To make him see what I was really afraid of. But then I can't afford to repeat old patterns. I've done that before. I've chased after a guy who did not want to be with me. I don't think telling him the truth would actually change his mind about me now. I'm not going down that road again.

So instead of dwelling over the fact that he changed his mind about me, I decided I would try to finally get over something that I have been running away from for the longest time. I decided I would start telling people my real story.

You might think that I must have done something so bad to make me THIS afraid. Yes, for me it was THAT bad that I am actually ashamed of telling people about it. Because if you knew my story, I think you would think of me as a selfish and cold hearted individual. I am actually scared for myself because of it.

So lately I have been working on this 'the truth will set you free' drama. I have to say,I was surprised to find out that confessing to other people isn't really that hard. But then it's maybe because I am confessing to people who are actually close to me. To people that I really trust. All of them said that what happened was really not my fault. A part of me is willing to believe that, but then maybe it will take me a little more time to fully believe in that because up until today I still feel like that I had something to do with what happened. And I am really not rushing to forgive myself for what happened. Right now, I'm just glad that I was able to finally face my fear. To finally tell other people about what really happened this year.

So, I guess the ending of our relationship actually did me good. If it weren't for that I would've continued with my strategy of pushing people away just so I could keep myself from being vulnerable. I guess the ending was necessary. I would not complain about it. I just really wish he chose a more 'gentlemanly' ending. But then I don't really have a say on that part. So I'd simply settle with the feeling of being thankful that despite the end of that relationship I was able to face something that I should've dealt with from the very beginning.

bugtong hininga

"He always said she wasn't easy to love & she believed him for a long time (so she acted like that whenever she had a chance...)"- Brian Andreas

_______________

I really can't let other people brain wash me. I'd like to believe that I have a good head, I just have to figure out how to use it.

I messed up this time. I think I've been messing up for the longest time when it comes to this. Good news is... I still have time to change.... better late than never as they say. argh.

the best things in life are LIBRE

This doesn't cost a penny but it's so hard to find.

dear brain

I've been wanting and trying to write these past few days but it seems like my mind cannot decide on what to write about.

Should I write about the loss of a loved one?

About the 6 months that passed which I have spent preparing for the biggest exam of my wannabe dream?

Or all these things that are running on my head right now. Thoughts that I don't even know how to express.

My head is all jumbled up again. But this time I can actually say that I don't mind. After trying to discipline my head to focus on becoming somebody, disregarding all the things in my life that might distract me, I think it deserves a little break. It has earned the right to run in circles for a while; to not make any sense at all.

So okay, brain, I'm giving you a time out. But I'm sorry to tell you that your time out might come to an end soon. We have to get moving in a few weeks time... You know fully well that I'm not really cut out for this doing nothing lifestyle. You know we both hate it... I'm only giving you a time out now because I feel like I've been pretty hard on you for the past months. So..enjoy it while it lasts!

negaman is dead

"You never get over the pain, you simply get used to it."

big bang ending

And so the peace I've been feeling for the past weeks just ended with a bang. A very dramatic bang, which reminded me of the dramas that I had to go through when I was growing up. tsk. I thought those episodes were over. I thought everybody had grown up and moved on. But it turned out that there are still some characters who remained the same. They were merely putting up a show. And tonight, masks, which were carefully crafted and placed, have fallen off.

Old woulds were reopened. No one was prepared for it. But then again should anyone be surprised by it? We can never pretend that all was simply buried in the past. Everything might have been locked in somewhere in our minds. And everybody was ready to pretend that there was nothing there. But we can never really keep something like that be locked up to oblivion. Somewhere along the line, the key to it is bound to turn up.

And I guess for as long as we keep doing that cycle of simply pushing it way back in our heads and pretending that it never occurred, we would always find ourselves facing this kind of big bang ending.

no more chair.

Chuck: I haven’t read any posts on Gossip Girl yet. I guess my ban works in the provinces.
Blair: I knew it. I knew you’d fatwa’d me.
Chuck: …And I knew you couldn’t break it.
Blair: You’re wrong. I could have.
Chuck: Then why didn’t you?
Blair: Because… I suddenly realized it. The way to get over you isn’t by hooking up with some random guy, or pretending like we didn’t happen. You and I loved each other, and then you broke my heart. I’ve been doing everything possible not to face that fact. I’m gonna kiss somebody someday, and when I do, it’ll be for me. Goodbye, Chuck. I’m going home.

evasive sarita

I would have to let someone in at some point. But definitely NOT TODAY. Maybe someday...

i heart andy

Andy: Travis, women will always drive us nuts but have compassion, for they only behave that way to protect themselves. They date men they feel superior to so they can’t get hurt. They almost miss out on stuff they feel they aren’t good enough for. Once in a while, they find the courage to just be themselves and then it’s worth the wait.

___________________

I really like Andy. I can actually see myself ending up with someone like him. haha

it's in the genes

My mother has a gift of making you feel like you're the most ungrateful person in the whole wide world.

Meanwhile, my father has a gift of keeping it cool even if his whole life is crumbling before him.

END RESULT: three apathetic kids! haha

emo stress

When under emotional stress, NEVER make a decision.

The past few days has been torture for me. I felt like my life was hanging by a thread. I was feeling so low that I even considered saying YES to someone out of pure selfishness. Yes, I got to the point where I felt I had to cling on to someone.

I was at my lowest point the other day. My head was playing every bad scenario I could think of. I was with a friend and although she made an effort to comfort me, I still felt terrible. We were on our way to the third floor of the school building when I saw him. Upon seeing him I momentarily forgot about what I was stressing about. Somehow, I thought of him as a breath of fresh air at that time. Well, actually I would not go that far. Let's just say that I was glad I saw him that day, though the spark that my friends kept looking for between us was still not there.

After our brief encounter I tried to figure out what I actually felt for him. While was playing with all the facts in my head, I received a message from him asking me if I wanted to have dinner. I said yes, well not immediately. But that's just because I didn't want him to think that I was too eager to have dinner with him.=P But in my head I was already thinking he is the perfect distraction from all the nega thougts I've been having.

And I was absolutely right! Going out with him that time was the perfect distraction for me. At one point I told him what was troubling me, and like any other rational person he tried to make me feel better. That time I felt like I was "in a relationship" again. I had someone that I could talk to other than my friends. And I'd like to believe that this person really cares for me. I liked the idea too much that if at that time he asked me, I would actually be tempted to say yes. Not because I wanted to be with him in that level. But simply because I wanted to keep that feeling of security that I felt when I was with him while I was feeling terrible. It felt nice. Saying yes to him that time would have been an act of pure selfishness on my side, something which he does not deserve at all.

Will I ever figure out what I really feel for him? Maybe someday but definitely not today.=P

Good thing the emotional torture is already over. Now, I would no longer be tempted to do such a selfish thing. Thank God it's over.
________
P.S.

I'm done with school! Thank you Lord. You have been so good to me. <3>

T for toblerone

I finally ate the white toblerone that has been sitting on my dresser for the past couple of weeks. Not eating it was supposed to stand for something, although I've never really figured out what it is supposed to stand for.

It took me less than 10 minutes to eat it. But I never really figured out why I wasn't eating it in the first place. Was I trying to be sentimental? Maybe. But then, why should I be? I don't even know what it really stands for. And I guess when it comes to 'toblerone', I'll never really come into any logical realization. I'll just have take it for what it is. It is a chocolate. A white chocolate. I like white chocolates. Therefore, I'll eat it. That is all there is to it. (ows?)

there's always THAT moment

"DAN: I fell in love with her, Alice.
ALICE: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, I can do this, I can give in to this, or I can resist it, and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet there was one."- Closer

I really like this movie. Strangely for me, the movie was so refreshing. It was entirely different from the usual love movies that I've watched. I think it's because the movie was so close to reality. The characters were so shameless in being selfish. The movie was about selfishness at its ugliest! Love it! And did I mention that Jude Law is on it? =P

zombie mode

I haven't really decided on anything concrete yet. I'm no where near the conclusion. Why is it that other people are assuming to0 much already?

I think they are forgetting the fact that I am entitled to change my mind any time. Heck, I'm not even at the point where I am perfectly capable of deciding on anything concrete. Right now, I may be likened to a zombie, functioning like a human but then not entirely capable of feeling anything. And I guess that's the way I would be for the coming months. I guess I've set my mind already on that point. But don't get me wrong here. I haven't gone completely cold. I am still capable of feeling some emotions. Tiny kicks here and there that I can easily brush off. Just the way I like it for now!

So there's no really point in getting excited! Easy!

forced reflection about IT

I told myself I wouldn't think about IT while I still am trying to be somebody. But then, it is as if the circumstances lately are forcing me to think very hard about IT. I can't even say what IT is.

So okay, IT might have something to do with the L word. And I hate the fact that I should be thinking about it at this time of my life. I should really be focusing right now on being that somebody that I've always wanted to be. But by force of circumstances, I think I might have to spend some time thinking hard about IT.

What is really IT all about?

Well, to be perfectly honest, after being with someone and getting my heart broken for so many times I still haven't figured out what IT is all about.

All I know now is I need certain things, certain qualities before I can say that this is really IT.

You see, I'd like to believe that I am a special case. And that is not because I am walking around thinking I'm better than others. That's actually far from being the case.

To start off, I have a twisted family history with twisted characters on it. I need someone who could be able to understand that and won't judge me for that. Someone who would be able to accept me despite the fact that I would be pushing him to a bunch of crazies. Someone who could remind me that there is still hope for sanity for me even if I came from the house of crazies. To put it bluntly, I need someone with a strong stomach.

I guess that requirement alone would be enough to help me decide whether I found IT.

Not long ago, I would have said that I need someone who could make me truly happy. But then I've realized that happiness is simply a state of mind. We can actually easily convince ourselves that we are happy in any given situation. It's all in our minds. Happiness is simply a matter of choice.

Instead of looking for someone who could make us happy, I think it would be better if we look for someone who could hold us down whenever we find our lives being shaken. Someone who could pull us out from life's insanity and remind us that the craziness would end at some point. I don't need someone who could make me feel good about myself. I am perfectly capable of doing that by myself. What I do need is someone who would be there when the going gets tough. To put it metaphorically, I need my personal wall in which I can cling to whenever I am being shaken.

And now.. I am being cheesy at this point. =P

Anyway.. I guess that is all I can figure out now. The rest would have to wait.

torture me not.

Why is it that there are people who exist to torture us emotionally? Why do they have to pull you into their own pool of dramas over and over again?

Isn't the one time that I've been hurt enough? Maybe the problem is I never really showed what I felt. I tried to act as if nothing happened, as if none of those things mattered. Maybe if I had allowed my mask to slip that one time he would realize how much the whole situation hurt me. Maybe then, he'd realize that I should not be subjected to this kind of torture over and over again.

I do not want to feel anything. Not even hate. Hate is such a strong emotion and I do not want to waste any of my energy on such a negative feeling. I wish there was some way that I could make him see the whole situation through my eyes. So that he could realize that in all those times that he has seen hesitation in my eyes, I was simply thinking, "Is it for real this time or is this simply one of those bad replays that I should shrug off?" It was never really a question about feelings.

Emo!

I'll just kick myself now.

FACT: some stories have to be earned.

Narrator: As he listened, Tom began to realize that these stories weren't routinely told. These were stories one had to earn. He could feel the wall coming down. He wondered if anyone else had made it this far. Which is why the next six words changed everything.
Summer: I've never told anybody that before.
Tom: I guess I'm not just anybody.

time out from hell week

While I was in a coffee shop the other day, a little boy approached me and asked me if I was Ms. Tina. The boy was so cute and adorable that I wanted to say yes! I wonder who Ms. Tina is.. if she's his tutor I'd gladly replace her! haha

now.. back to hell... =P