all in a day's work

I was not prepared at all for what I have witnessed today. I attended the preliminary investigation of the estafa case that our firm is handling. The office of the prosecutor was quite small so everyone in the room knew exactly what was going on in all of the cases that were called.

The case that was called before ours was for rape. The rape victim was in her teens. The accused was nowhere in sight. From the conversation between prosecutor and the family of the victim, it appeared that the family was no longer interested in pursuing the case. The prosecutor did not look convinced at all. She kept asking questions as to why the victim was desisting from the case. At one point the father of the victim tried to express himself. He said, "Gusto ko po ipaalam ang saloobin ko, ngunit ako po ay nahihirapan." While he was saying this, it was clear that he was trying to fight his emotions. I think the decision to back out was not really his. But then again I am in no position to make such assumptions. The prosecutor tried to address the victim directly. When she asked the girl why they were withdrawing from the case, the girl started sobbing.

At this point, I was already panicking in my head. I did not want to be there to hear the victim's answer 'coz I know that whatever her reason was for backing out would simply break my heart. Maybe she simply wants to suffer in silence. Maybe she and her family were threatened by the accused. Maybe, feeling defeated and hopeless, she saw no point in putting the accused behind bars. I could not really think of any other reason which could somehow paint a happy ending to this tragedy.

When the prosecutor asked her why she was desisting from the case for the second time, the rape victim managed to answer in between sobs, "Kasi po wala sya kasalanan." Wrong answer. The prosecutor got suspicious at this point. With narrowed eyes she asked the victim, "Pano mo nasabi?" She said this with so much force that I was not able to stop my eyes from widening. The prosecutor caught my reaction and realizing how sensitive the case was, she decided that I had seen enough. After collecting herself, the prosecutor looked straight at me and said, "Yung sa'yo Attorney(Yes, I get this all the time these days.=P), for resolution na ha. Hindi dumating yung complainant." And that was my cue to leave the room.

It was only while I was descending the stairs that I realized that, aside from the prosecutor, I was the only stranger there in the room. Because of all that was going on in the room, I failed to notice that all the other cases have been called already and that I was the only one left to witness the drama.

I was actually glad that she made me leave. I really had no wish of finding out why the victim changed her mind about the case. I didn't have the heart for it. The sight of the victim sobbing with her family by her side, all trying to give the appearance of strength when in fact they looked so defeated, was too much for me to handle.

I am supposed to get used to this kind of scenario. But then is it actually possible for someone to get used to this kind of circumstance? I'm willing to bet that the prosecutor herself, despite her years of experience, was taken aback by the decision of the victim. I don't think anyone with a heart would actually be able to simply shrug their shoulders when they hear of something like this.

This is not really something that you could nor should get used to.

I write. I have to write.

There are so many things going on around me right now. So many things I could write about. But I could not really bring myself to write about anything.

Is it because I became so used to simply ignoring the things around me? Of simply brushing things aside thinking that they are simply a waste of my time?

Or is it because of my dyslexia? Is it getting worse to the point that I cannot bring myself to find the right words to express my true feelings? That thought is scary.

I used to like writing about my feelings, especially when I find myself feeling strongly about something. But now, I always find myself struggling with words every time I try to express myself.

Writing has always been one of my favorite things in life. I would like to even believe that I am good at it.. well, that is MY belief. =P I have to love my own writings! Otherwise, who would appreciate it?

It saddens me that I now find myself struggling trying to do the one thing that I was able to do with so much ease before. This cannot happen. I still have a book to write. Yeah. I have not let go of that dream yet. Someday, I'll write a book! Oh yes, I will! Just wait and see.=)

______________________

This is my attempt at writing again.

it's acidic.

A true lady never loses her cool.

When she must express her anger, she chooses her words wisely.

If that's not enough, she would simply give off her most acidic smile.

sorsya is renewed. almost.

I have to admit my ''the truth will set you free" project did me really good.

Ever since I've decided to be completely honest with my closest friends I've felt like I have unloaded a gigantic burden that I've been keeping within me for the longest time. Now, I feel like there's no longer any reason for me to be afraid though the guilt is still there.

As a part of this dealing with the truth drama, I decided to do something a little extreme. Before new year's eve I posted this status on my facebook account:

Sarah Abraham I made the biggest regret of my life this 2010. I became too selfish and proud that I had hurt a loved one so badly and I didn't have the courage to say sorry while he was in his death bed, even if I knew fully well that it was my last chance to do so. (Negaman, I'm so sorry and forever I will be. Somehow, in someway, I will try to make up for everything.)

December 30, 2010 at 11:29pm via Mobile Web · · Comment

I was being bold and brave when I posted this. The post was a big leap for me. I was used to subtleties. It was all part of my strategy of renewing myself. I figured it would help me a lot if I could admit to many people a part of my regret last year. It's not that I owe them the truth but it's because I owe it to myself to finally recognize what I've been trying to repress for months now. It was my way of saying "Yes, world. I know what I did. There. It's out already. Let me move on now." I might sound a little too dramatic here. HELLO STATUS LANG YON SA FACEBOOK. But I don't really care about what the people in facebook would think of my status. I'm sure there were nega people there who thought, "drama naman nito, new year na new year." But at the time that I posted the status I did not really care. I have my own reason for posting that status. It was all part of my healing process.

So, how am I right now? I feel actually renewed. If I were to be blunt about it I would say "medyo puwede na ako mag- yabang." I feel like I'm a better person already and it's only the start of the year. Wow. Let's go 2011.

we are meant to meet the people in our lives.

I dated someone for almost a year but the relationship did not really blossom into anything promising. I have to admit I was a bit hurt by how our so-called relationship ended. I wasn't expecting it to end that way. I was expecting more from him. The ending was cold and impersonal. It didn't quite fit with the person that I thought he was.

But, you know what, because of that sort of 'break-up' (if you can actually consider that a break up) I've realized so many things. You see, in the one year that we've dated I've been too safe for my own good. Painfully safe. Every time I thought he was getting too close I made a conscious effort to push him way. Whenever I felt that I am about to be cornered, I try to find a way to escape.

It wasn't that I didn't like the guy enough for me to let him in. I actually liked the way I liked him. It's just that I was trying to hide something. Not only from him but also from the people around me. And every time I felt he was getting too close already I felt that I had to confess to him. But I wasn't ready to do that just yet, so I pushed him away instead. And I have to say my strategy completely worked. I was successful in pushing him away, I never got to tell him the truth about something. He never found out about my story. I was able to convince him to stay away from me for good. Was that what I wanted to happen from the very beginning? Not really. I wanted to be truthful to him. To tell him everything that I've been keeping for the longest time. But I was such a coward. I was afraid of what he would think of me. I was afraid that if he found out about it he would never look at me the same way again. Oh yes, I was THAT afraid.

When he told me that he changed his mind already, after almost 3 weeks of giving me the silent treatment, I realized something: If I wanted to have a lasting relationship with someone I needed to confront my fear. I really can't go on with my life pretending that something did not happen. I cannot keep pushing people away from me for fear that they would not accept me.

I'm not going to lie, I was tempted to run after him. To make him see what I was really afraid of. But then I can't afford to repeat old patterns. I've done that before. I've chased after a guy who did not want to be with me. I don't think telling him the truth would actually change his mind about me now. I'm not going down that road again.

So instead of dwelling over the fact that he changed his mind about me, I decided I would try to finally get over something that I have been running away from for the longest time. I decided I would start telling people my real story.

You might think that I must have done something so bad to make me THIS afraid. Yes, for me it was THAT bad that I am actually ashamed of telling people about it. Because if you knew my story, I think you would think of me as a selfish and cold hearted individual. I am actually scared for myself because of it.

So lately I have been working on this 'the truth will set you free' drama. I have to say,I was surprised to find out that confessing to other people isn't really that hard. But then it's maybe because I am confessing to people who are actually close to me. To people that I really trust. All of them said that what happened was really not my fault. A part of me is willing to believe that, but then maybe it will take me a little more time to fully believe in that because up until today I still feel like that I had something to do with what happened. And I am really not rushing to forgive myself for what happened. Right now, I'm just glad that I was able to finally face my fear. To finally tell other people about what really happened this year.

So, I guess the ending of our relationship actually did me good. If it weren't for that I would've continued with my strategy of pushing people away just so I could keep myself from being vulnerable. I guess the ending was necessary. I would not complain about it. I just really wish he chose a more 'gentlemanly' ending. But then I don't really have a say on that part. So I'd simply settle with the feeling of being thankful that despite the end of that relationship I was able to face something that I should've dealt with from the very beginning.

bugtong hininga

"He always said she wasn't easy to love & she believed him for a long time (so she acted like that whenever she had a chance...)"- Brian Andreas

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I really can't let other people brain wash me. I'd like to believe that I have a good head, I just have to figure out how to use it.

I messed up this time. I think I've been messing up for the longest time when it comes to this. Good news is... I still have time to change.... better late than never as they say. argh.

the best things in life are LIBRE

This doesn't cost a penny but it's so hard to find.