feeling rebellious

I decided to wear my mother's bling (which she wears only on special occasions) for work today. I can only imagine the look she'll give me if she finds out I'm wearing this today. Ha! But I can totally justify my use of her bling. It's my thirtieth birthday and my husband and I will go on a dinner  date later tonight. Thus, I deserve to shine and be pretty with the help of her bling. Haha. Happy birthday to me! 

(my miniscule attempt to revive my blog. let's start shallow. okay.) 

to be continued...

It has been quite a long time since I have posted anything here. And even as I type these words, I am still trying to figure out what this entry will be all about. Should I pick up where I left off (i.e. my poker face entry) ? Well, if that is the case I have plenty of things to write about. I doubt that this single entry will be able to cover everything which transpired since then. 

To simply cover the basics, I am now a married woman with a child and tomorrow, I turn 30. Of course, behind those milestones are stories. I wish I was able to write about all of them on a real time basis. That would have been so nice.  Just imagine, a few years from now, I will be able to reminisce those memories as narrated in my blog entries. (Kind of like that Timehop App, only more detailed.) :) 

I want to revive this blog. But, to be honest, I do not have any idea where to start. Completing this entry alone is proving to be a challenge for me. In fact, I am tempted to leave this entry unfinished.  (insert cricket sounds here) 

I feel like a stranger in my own blog account. So many things have happened and I really do not know how I will be able introduce all the new things in my life in words. This blog account feels like an old friend that I have not talked to in years. What do I say to a good friend who slowly turned into a stranger? 

Maybe it is simply time for me to start a new one. A blank slate for me to fill with new stories. After all, that is what I did when I first started writing here. Yes, maybe I should rekindle my love for this hobby someplace else. Let's see. :) 

Poker face

I will never reveal my cards until I know and I am sure that it is the right time to reveal them.

I am no dora.

At what point do I let go? 

I know those lines are too strong for an opening. But that is really the first thing that came to my head tonight.  I find myself (yet again) at this imaginary crossroad. Two paths stand before me. One is predictable and familiar while the offers an unknown path for me to explore. 

The new path is intriguing. It offers possibilities that I have not even considered. But, at the same time, it demands that I completely abandon the familiar path. And that's where my problem lies. 

The idea of letting go of the familiar frightens me. The thought that I would be treading new and unknown grounds without so much of an idea of what I would be getting myself into makes me nervous to the point that I would rather carry on the tried and tested road even if it means that I would be subjecting myself to a robotic routine. 

When did I stop living? When did I become so adverse to change? 

get out of my head.

Bad memories have been haunting me lately. Often, I find myself deliberately closing my eyes in an attempt to block things that I do not want to remember.  I do not want to dwell on them any more as they should no longer hold any significance to me. But, for some reason, they keep on resurfacing in my consciousness. To make it worse, I think they have become more potent as ever. 

I do not really know what to make of it. If I had any choice, I would have completely erased it from my memory. I am at my happiest now but the reminder brought by those bad memories somehow manages to suck the every shed of happiness out of me. 

Yes, I am being cryptic here. But even as I am typing this entry, I am trying to fight off every thought which could lead me to the dreaded memory I am trying to avoid. I do not think going through it detail by detail will be of any help. Besides, it involves sensitive issues that is not for other people's exploiting. 

I know I cannot let it have so much power over me. After all, they are just thoughts, intangible and fleeting. I am BIGGER than my thoughts. It cannot bully me to misery unless I allow it to. 

But maybe this is all because it is that time of the month... Either way, I want it OUT OF MY HEAD. Now. For good. 

what happens now?

I think it is about time I confront what has been bothering me for the past few weeks. 

I need change. I badly need it. 

Lately, I have been feeling that everything around me has become routinary. Slowly, I feel like I am becoming robotic. 

I am not miserable but neither am ecstatic about the things around me. To be fair, it has nothing to do with the relationships I have. It is more about my personal growth. My feeling of self worth. I know I should be happy and content. I have fulfilled my one and only wannabe dream. But being human and all, I realized that I want something more. I feel as  if there is still something missing. 

I am at that stage where I can actually afford to gamble. But the problem is I do not have the slightest idea of what I should gamble on. I want to explore new possibilities. That is one thing I am sure of. But I do not know where to start.

--- There I have said it. And still I am clueless.

05.01.2007

Happy Endings

Fairy tales usually end their story by having the princess marry the prince. After the grand wedding we never hear from them anymore. 

Did they have kids? Did they remain happy? Or was their happiness short-lived? Was the prince really that charming that the princess fell in love with him instantly? Is the princess that enchanting that the prince decided right then that she’s the woman he’s going to spend the rest of his life with? Did the prince remain faithful to his princess or did he cheat on her with any of the chamber maids? After a few years of being together did the princess ever realize that her prince wasn’t so charming after all? 

         

We never really knew what happened to them. Their marriage was never the end of the story. It was only the beginning of a whole new story. Falling for each other is always the easy part. Staying happy after that is an entirely different matter.

As for me, this is my kind of happy ending:

"I've always had a thing for happy endings; I don't know why. You know the movies where the couple falls in love, gets married, has kids, then fifty or sixty years later, one of them dies, and two or three days later the other one dies. Okay, so that's not a great example of a happy ending. I mean two people are dead. But, for some reason I thought Katie and I would be that couple. Not that we would be dead, I mean, but that we would go on forever."--Ben Jordan (Bruce Willis) 

____________

Romantic teeny bopper. 2007. :P