Sarita Sorsya

To my seemingly undying negativity.

2011-11-22T07:39:00.001-08:00

I'm tired of thinking about you. Yes, YOU. Please stay away from me. Go bother someone else's head.

sarsarita blog

2011-11-20T22:29:00.001-08:00

Since friendster closed down I moved my old blog to wordpress just so I could save all of my old posts. In case I actually have readers, you may find my old blog at http://sarsarita.wordpress.com/. (ilusyonada mode: ON) haha

saturdate

2011-11-12T20:21:00.001-08:00

When he told me that he'd take me flying, my head's initial reaction was "Marunong kaya talaga sya?"

It's not because I didn't trust him enough. It's just that I'm not used to seeing him as a pilot. I never had the chance to actually see him fly a plane prior to our day trip. Sure, we talk about things related to his soon-to-be profession but it was all in theory. I never actually got to see him near a plane. Let alone fly one.

He was actually suffering from fever the night before our date. I was already suggesting that we postpone it to some other day when he feels better already. But since he scheduled his check ride on the same day cancelling was not really an option despite his sickly state.

Thankfully, when we left early in the morning he was feeling a little better. Just to allow him to have some rest before flying, I agreed to drive and traverse the dreadful EDSA. Actually, I was pretty confident that EDSA would not give me trouble that morning. It was early Saturday morning. How could there be traffic in EDSA?? But as if the Highway is mocking me, I found myself head to head with trucks and buses. Well.. okay, for normal drivers, traffic may not have been that bad. But for a bad driver like me, EDSA will always be a nightmare whatever day it is. And so, I drove up to Nlex with full concenration. (despite my proclamation last Tuesday that I will never ever drive up north.) When we stopped by the gasoline station, he took over the driving, which I more than willingly gave up.

While he drove us, I gave in to the calling of dreamland. When we arrived at his school I was still so sleepy that when he offered to leave me in the car while he finishes some paper work I simply grumbled "Uh-huh" in between my snoring.

When he came back to wake me, he was already upbeat and intense. While he rummaged through his things to get ready, I was debating in my head whether my "inaantok pa ako, mamaya na lang" tactic would work as it usually does. But when I saw how serious he was I realized that today is not the day that my tactic would work. So, with all the energy I had, I tried to get up and fix myself.

We were transported by the school's L300 van to the main airport's runway. I did not understand why we needed to go to the main airport but the look of concentration on his face told me that questions would be entertained later. I was sensing this silent intensity from him. When I remembered that we were there because he will take me flying, I thought to myself, "Ah dapat lang na mag concentrate sya."

When we got to the runway, I saw the plane that we are to use and the pilot who used it earlier. I was still not asking questions at this point although I was watching him closely as I try to determine whether he is actually up for it considering his state the previous night.

The first thing that he did upon alighting the van is to approach the caucasian pilot. I heard him ask the pilot, "Which runway did you use to depart?" Or something like that. (I'm sorry. I do not speak pilot language) I panicked and said a silent prayer when I heard this.

While he was helping the I-dont-know-what-you-call-them to prep the plane up, I kept thinking "pag nag yaya na kaya ako umuwi magagalit sya sakin?" But of course I didn't say that aloud because if I so much hint on that idea, I'd forever be "the girl na nagyayang umuwi sa takot".

And it's a good thing that my fear did not win me over because it's the coolest date I've ever had. It's not everyday that I get to ride a plane with the pilot as my date! But more than anything, I was happy to actually see him fly a plane. When we were younger, he would always tell me how much he wanted to become a pilot. At the time he considered it as merely a dream. Never to become a reality. But look at him now! A few months away from finally becoming a professional pilot.

I am very happy that I get to see his "Wish ko lang dream" fulfilled.

_____________________________

My attempt at reviving my blogging.=)

call spade a spade

2011-11-07T07:12:00.001-08:00

I could think of plenty of sappy love quotes to describe how our relationship is. But then why bother describing it? It is what it is. The rest of the world can simply make their own assumptions. ;)

I gotta see about a girl

2011-09-13T06:36:00.000-07:00

Will: I don't care if Helen of Troy walks in the room, that's Game 6!
Sean: Oh, Helen of Troy...
Will: Oh my God; and who are these fuckin' friends of yours, they let you get away with that?
Sean: Oh... they had to.
Will: W-w-w-what'd you say to them?
Sean: I just slid my ticket across the table, and I said, "Sorry, guys; I gotta see about a girl."
Will: I gotta go see about a girl?
Sean: Yeah.
Will: That's what you said? And they let you get away with that?
Sean: Oh, yeah. They saw in my eyes that I meant it.
Will: You're kiddin' me.
Sean: No, I'm not kiddin' you, Will. That's why I'm not talkin' right now about some girl I saw at a bar twenty years ago and how I always regretted not going over and talking to her. I don't regret the 18 years I was married to Nancy. I don't regret the six years I had to give up counseling when she got sick. And I don't regret the last years when she got really sick. And I sure as hell don't regret missin' the damn game. That's regret.
[pause]
Will: Wow... Woulda been nice to catch that game, though.
Sean: [sheepishly] I didn't know Pudge was gonna hit a homer.

"waste me not" - time

2011-09-12T02:52:00.000-07:00

The world will never *SIT back and wait for you to catch up.

Lately, I've been feeling like the world has gone impatient with me. It is as if the world thinks that I've wasted enough of its time and now is the moment that I should be doing something in return for all the time I've borrowed. But the problem is after having fulfilled my wannabe dream I now find myself standing at multiple crossroads.

I'm at this imaginary road with too many paths before me and I can't really decide where to go. It seems all of them are promising and I'm afraid that if I make a decision now I might miss better opportunities. So, I find myself throwing precious time peeking at each of those paths, wondering which path would suit me best.

Sometimes I wish I could take a peek at my future, just so I could have a clue on what is really in store for me. I've thought of consulting a fortune teller but then the coward me knows that I might not be able to gracefully handle whatever the fortune teller would tell me. Be it a bogus panghuhula o mala nostradamus effect ang dating.

But then so what if I might take the wrong route? It won't be the first time. I've done it before and it didn't kill me. I've taken so many wrong turns in my life and look at me now. I've fulfilled my wannabe dream and I can still smile with my gums all out. Nakakita ka na ng lawyer na magilagid? That's me.haha

So, what the heck. I shall waste no more time and simply take the route that is most tempting at the moment. And that is the UWIAN route! 6pm na uwian na!!! =)
__________
*I was reviewing back posts when I noticed that I typed in the wrong word (seat). Yan, the error has been corrected!

Disclaimer

2011-07-30T08:52:00.000-07:00

This blog is about me. Never have I intended to dedicate this blog to anyone. If it so happens that you feel like any entry in this blog is about you, don't flatter yourself too much to the point that you'd go around telling people I've been blogging about you.

Just to set things straight, yes, sometimes I blog about some of the people that I come across with. But I do not actually blog about THEM. I blog about how I feel, about my experience, how I perceive the events involving those people.

This is my way of telling my story in a tasteful manner. Readers are welcome to read my blog if they find it interesting enough. But the idea that someone would read my blog just to check if I've blogged about him/her so that he/she could go and brag about it to his/her friends is a bit insulting on my part. Please don't exploit my blog to simply satisfy your sorry ego. Don't you have issues of your own? Why waste your time with mine?

But then, I guess, if it's the only way to make yourself truly happy, go ahead. Indulge yourself. It won't kill me anyway.

it's okay to be hurt

2011-06-26T00:55:00.000-07:00

Sandra Kurtzman: You know I worry about you sometimes.
Emma: Why? Is this about me not having a date?
Sandra Kurtzman: No, I know you can dance alone. I know that you'll be fine. You're always fine.
Emma: So?
Sandra Kurtzman: I don't know. When we lost your father I couldn't stand to see you in pain and I think you knew that. I think that you got good at being strong for me.
[pauses]
Sandra Kurtzman: I'm telling you, be hurt. I can take it. The world can take it.
Emma: [teary] Okay.

m. carmichael

2011-06-13T01:34:00.000-07:00

"The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back."

to run or not.

2011-06-08T22:18:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, she's running.
The question is, "Is she running towards you or away from you ?"

bubble boy

2011-06-02T07:22:00.000-07:00

Kung si bubble boy ang boyfriend ko, tapos ang problema ko.

true story. i promise and i swear.

2011-05-27T09:43:00.000-07:00

One of my wannabe dreams is to be able to write a book someday.

With all that has happened in my life, I'd like to think that I have enough stories to tell people. Believe me when I say that I have been through the worst to the point that I began to think, "May balat ba ako sa pwet?"

Now, this is not to say that my life is a one whole 'Maalala Mo Kaya' series. It is actually far from being one because every time my life comes to that scene where I should have been bawling my eyes out something suddenly comes up ruining the supposed heart breaking moment for me.

It is as if at exact the moment when my eyes are ready to let it all out, I suddenly find myself distracted by something else. Such that I am left with the dilemma of whether to let the drama queen in me take over or to let myself be distracted by whatever it is that kept me from my best actress moment. And most of the time, the latter happens.

I have this inherent tendency of discarding my emotions. To leave it hanging or repressed without being bothered about it at all. I consider it a gift. But a friend of mine finds it disturbing. Either way, this is just how I am.

I have stories to tell. But could I actually tell these stories while I continue to be emotionally detached? I doubt it. For me to be able to fulfill one of my wannabe dreams I have to let the drama queen in me take over. That should be easy enough... Not.

But then if I attempt to write in such a detached state I do not think I'd be able to convey my story in its genuine form. I'd probably end up with a book report done by a kid who, obviously, did not want to finish his homework.

We write with our emotions. That's the only way we can tell our stories. If we remove the emotions from the story, we would be left with bare facts devoid of any significance. And that's not really much of a story.

So, make way for the drama queen. She is on her way. Chos.

do I have to?

2011-05-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

Chuck: There's a difference between a great love and the right love. I left the Empire State Building last year after two minutes when you didn't show. Louis waited all night. This is your chance at happiness. You think you shouldn't want it 'cause you've never had it and it scares you. But you deserve your fairytale.

Blair: We make our own fairytales.

Chuck: Only when we have to.

i am no hater.

2011-05-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

Hatred is my least favorite emotion because I think it takes too much from a person. And it's really not something worth investing your feelings on since there is no use in feeling such a powerful emotion towards someone who is not really worth your time.

If you ask me, it's not advisable to allow your mind to entertain such a feeling. Chances are if you let it past your guard, it will eat you up whole leaving you more obsessed about whatever it is that caused you to think about hate in the first place.

So, instead of hating, I prefer the 'not caring' approach. You'd be surprised how much it can make your life a wee bit easier. I think, it would even help you get rid of those excess baggage you've been carrying with you all your life. (Apathy is the key!)

But then this is just my twisted self talking. =)

charmer, no charming.

2011-05-05T06:36:00.001-07:00

Why use your brain when you can simply rely on your charms?
But then NEVER overuse it.

prince william is no toad.

2011-04-29T18:42:00.000-07:00

I think the reason why so many women are so hyped up about William and Kate's wedding is that it serves as proof that fairy tales do come true. Happy endings do happen. A commoner can find a prince in a sea of toads.

Of course, not all of us can end up with a real prince. But then Prince William seems to be a prince not only by birth. For me, he earned his title when he stayed with Kate for 8 long years even if he could have dated the entire female population. It takes a real man to do that and for that he is worthy to be called a prince.

funny first

2011-04-28T18:29:00.000-07:00

It was my first time to appear in court today all by myself. Usually, I go to court with one of my bosses to simply observe. But today was different. The spotlight was on me.

When I entered my appearance before the judge, he actually thought my name was 'Salah'. Also, I kept on calling him 'Sir' instead of 'Your Honor'. I kept on saying, 'Yes, sir... Your Honor.'. I felt like I was in law school again, reciting before an unsmiling professor.

It was a very funny experience for me. But for the other people in the court room... wala lang. =))

ice cream party

2011-04-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

I scream for ice cream! Peppermint mocha would have to be my favorite!=)

At sino si Cherry Garcia?

turning tables

2011-04-22T07:59:00.000-07:00

______________

For some reason, this song hits close to home. I'm not even thinking of anyone in particular when I heard this. This is bad.

yes man.

2011-04-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

If she thinks it's worth it, she'd give an answer ten steps beyond a yes.

time, be kind.

2011-04-07T07:20:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I want to do but it seems that there is not enough time in my hands. Now that my wannabe dream has been finally fulfilled, all I want now is enough time for everything else.

short fiction

2011-03-26T08:36:00.000-07:00

written December 2010
She’s a girl who has seen too much drama in her life. She grew up with drama and never really parted with it. But unlike others, she did not allow drama to rule her. She pretended that it was not there; convinced others that all was normal. For years, she has done it. She was good at it. Even at the most supposedly devastating moment of her life, she was not moved. Well, actually she was but not just in the way she was supposed to be moved.

She’s in love right now. Well, I think she is. But the guy she’s in love with has changed his mind. ANOTHER DRAMA for her. But then again this too shall pass. She’ll move on. I'm sure she will. There is just no other way.

Unfinished entry: his sky.

2011-03-23T07:37:00.000-07:00

I was browsing through my files when I saw this unfinished entry. I have no plans of finishing this now since I see no point in doing so. I've learned my lesson and that's that.
____________________

His Sky (May 13, 2009)

I’ve seen the world through his eyes. From his perspective, the world isn’t as difficult to live in as it really is. It’s one of those things that made me admire him. The world was his playground. He recognizes the rules but those would never stop him from fulfilling his whims. I liked his world very much. It was different from the one that I was used to wherein everything should make sense. I was a very practical person or at least that’s what I try to be. But a great part of me didn’t want to be practical. I didn’t want to makes sense out of everything. A part of me simply wanted to live life as it is, without giving too much thought about things.

His world fascinated me. It was totally what I wanted. I wanted very much to become a part of it. And for a time I was a part of it. For a time, I shared his world. We were happy. But then I realized that his world isn’t that easy to live in. I realized that the world he has created was simply the same as mine. The only difference is that whenever he is faced with some difficulties he turns a blind eye. He shuts everything that seems to be complicated and turns the other way. Letting fate decide whether he’d go forward or remain where he is.

there are no words for this

2011-03-22T01:14:00.000-07:00

They say happiness means being content with what you have. But what do you call the emotion you feel when you finally get that one thing you've always wanted? Surely, that can't be happiness if we go by the definition I just gave.

I think it's a much stronger feeling than happiness. But I don't think there is a word for it. I doubt that there is a word out there that is actually capable of encapsulating the feeling of being able to realize, at long last, your wannabe dream. Besides, labels are too constricting. Why limit such a profound feeling by words that are incapable of giving full significance to it?

I don't even think I should be wasting my time trying to figure out what this emotion should be called. I don't think that the lack of a word for it would somehow diminish this euphoric feeling within me. I should simply relish this feeling while it lasts.

All I know is, it's definitely NOT JUST A FEELING. It's something else. The best 'something' I've ever felt for the longest time!=)

It's called manning up.

2011-03-12T08:19:00.000-08:00

Frank Tupelo: Do you mind me smoking? It's not a real cigarette.
Elise: What?
Frank Tupelo: It's electronic. It delivers the same amount of nicotine but the smoke is water vapor. Yeah, watch.[he takes a few drags of the electronic cigarette and stabs the end on his hand]
Frank Tupelo: LED light.
Elise: That's somewhat disappointing.
Frank Tupelo: Would you rather have me smoking for real?
Elise: I would rather you be a man who did exactly as he pleased.

pang-pelicula

2011-03-04T00:04:00.000-08:00

I know I can't do this forever.

So, I might as well go all out now while I still have the heart for it.

all in a day's work

2011-03-03T04:12:00.000-08:00

I was not prepared at all for what I have witnessed today. I attended the preliminary investigation of the estafa case that our firm is handling. The office of the prosecutor was quite small so everyone in the room knew exactly what was going on in all of the cases that were called.

The case that was called before ours was for rape. The rape victim was in her teens. The accused was nowhere in sight. From the conversation between prosecutor and the family of the victim, it appeared that the family was no longer interested in pursuing the case. The prosecutor did not look convinced at all. She kept asking questions as to why the victim was desisting from the case. At one point the father of the victim tried to express himself. He said, "Gusto ko po ipaalam ang saloobin ko, ngunit ako po ay nahihirapan." While he was saying this, it was clear that he was trying to fight his emotions. I think the decision to back out was not really his. But then again I am in no position to make such assumptions. The prosecutor tried to address the victim directly. When she asked the girl why they were withdrawing from the case, the girl started sobbing.

At this point, I was already panicking in my head. I did not want to be there to hear the victim's answer 'coz I know that whatever her reason was for backing out would simply break my heart. Maybe she simply wants to suffer in silence. Maybe she and her family were threatened by the accused. Maybe, feeling defeated and hopeless, she saw no point in putting the accused behind bars. I could not really think of any other reason which could somehow paint a happy ending to this tragedy.

When the prosecutor asked her why she was desisting from the case for the second time, the rape victim managed to answer in between sobs, "Kasi po wala sya kasalanan." Wrong answer. The prosecutor got suspicious at this point. With narrowed eyes she asked the victim, "Pano mo nasabi?" She said this with so much force that I was not able to stop my eyes from widening. The prosecutor caught my reaction and realizing how sensitive the case was, she decided that I had seen enough. After collecting herself, the prosecutor looked straight at me and said, "Yung sa'yo Attorney(Yes, I get this all the time these days.=P), for resolution na ha. Hindi dumating yung complainant." And that was my cue to leave the room.

It was only while I was descending the stairs that I realized that, aside from the prosecutor, I was the only stranger there in the room. Because of all that was going on in the room, I failed to notice that all the other cases have been called already and that I was the only one left to witness the drama.

I was actually glad that she made me leave. I really had no wish of finding out why the victim changed her mind about the case. I didn't have the heart for it. The sight of the victim sobbing with her family by her side, all trying to give the appearance of strength when in fact they looked so defeated, was too much for me to handle.

I am supposed to get used to this kind of scenario. But then is it actually possible for someone to get used to this kind of circumstance? I'm willing to bet that the prosecutor herself, despite her years of experience, was taken aback by the decision of the victim. I don't think anyone with a heart would actually be able to simply shrug their shoulders when they hear of something like this.

This is not really something that you could nor should get used to.

I write. I have to write.

2011-02-24T05:55:00.000-08:00

There are so many things going on around me right now. So many things I could write about. But I could not really bring myself to write about anything.

Is it because I became so used to simply ignoring the things around me? Of simply brushing things aside thinking that they are simply a waste of my time?

Or is it because of my dyslexia? Is it getting worse to the point that I cannot bring myself to find the right words to express my true feelings? That thought is scary.

I used to like writing about my feelings, especially when I find myself feeling strongly about something. But now, I always find myself struggling with words every time I try to express myself.

Writing has always been one of my favorite things in life. I would like to even believe that I am good at it.. well, that is MY belief. =P I have to love my own writings! Otherwise, who would appreciate it?

It saddens me that I now find myself struggling trying to do the one thing that I was able to do with so much ease before. This cannot happen. I still have a book to write. Yeah. I have not let go of that dream yet. Someday, I'll write a book! Oh yes, I will! Just wait and see.=)

______________________

This is my attempt at writing again.

it's acidic.

2011-01-25T03:34:00.000-08:00

A true lady never loses her cool.

When she must express her anger, she chooses her words wisely.

If that's not enough, she would simply give off her most acidic smile.

sorsya is renewed. almost.

2011-01-06T04:53:00.000-08:00

I have to admit my ''the truth will set you free" project did me really good.

Ever since I've decided to be completely honest with my closest friends I've felt like I have unloaded a gigantic burden that I've been keeping within me for the longest time. Now, I feel like there's no longer any reason for me to be afraid though the guilt is still there.

As a part of this dealing with the truth drama, I decided to do something a little extreme. Before new year's eve I posted this status on my facebook account:

Sarah Abraham I made the biggest regret of my life this 2010. I became too selfish and proud that I had hurt a loved one so badly and I didn't have the courage to say sorry while he was in his death bed, even if I knew fully well that it was my last chance to do so. (Negaman, I'm so sorry and forever I will be. Somehow, in someway, I will try to make up for everything.)

I was being bold and brave when I posted this. The post was a big leap for me. I was used to subtleties. It was all part of my strategy of renewing myself. I figured it would help me a lot if I could admit to many people a part of my regret last year. It's not that I owe them the truth but it's because I owe it to myself to finally recognize what I've been trying to repress for months now. It was my way of saying "Yes, world. I know what I did. There. It's out already. Let me move on now." I might sound a little too dramatic here. HELLO STATUS LANG YON SA FACEBOOK. But I don't really care about what the people in facebook would think of my status. I'm sure there were nega people there who thought, "drama naman nito, new year na new year." But at the time that I posted the status I did not really care. I have my own reason for posting that status. It was all part of my healing process.

So, how am I right now? I feel actually renewed. If I were to be blunt about it I would say "medyo puwede na ako mag- yabang." I feel like I'm a better person already and it's only the start of the year. Wow. Let's go 2011.

we are meant to meet the people in our lives.

2010-12-24T23:22:00.000-08:00

I dated someone for almost a year but the relationship did not really blossom into anything promising. I have to admit I was a bit hurt by how our so-called relationship ended. I wasn't expecting it to end that way. I was expecting more from him. The ending was cold and impersonal. It didn't quite fit with the person that I thought he was.

But, you know what, because of that sort of 'break-up' (if you can actually consider that a break up) I've realized so many things. You see, in the one year that we've dated I've been too safe for my own good. Painfully safe. Every time I thought he was getting too close I made a conscious effort to push him way. Whenever I felt that I am about to be cornered, I try to find a way to escape.

It wasn't that I didn't like the guy enough for me to let him in. I actually liked the way I liked him. It's just that I was trying to hide something. Not only from him but also from the people around me. And every time I felt he was getting too close already I felt that I had to confess to him. But I wasn't ready to do that just yet, so I pushed him away instead. And I have to say my strategy completely worked. I was successful in pushing him away, I never got to tell him the truth about something. He never found out about my story. I was able to convince him to stay away from me for good. Was that what I wanted to happen from the very beginning? Not really. I wanted to be truthful to him. To tell him everything that I've been keeping for the longest time. But I was such a coward. I was afraid of what he would think of me. I was afraid that if he found out about it he would never look at me the same way again. Oh yes, I was THAT afraid.

When he told me that he changed his mind already, after almost 3 weeks of giving me the silent treatment, I realized something: If I wanted to have a lasting relationship with someone I needed to confront my fear. I really can't go on with my life pretending that something did not happen. I cannot keep pushing people away from me for fear that they would not accept me.

I'm not going to lie, I was tempted to run after him. To make him see what I was really afraid of. But then I can't afford to repeat old patterns. I've done that before. I've chased after a guy who did not want to be with me. I don't think telling him the truth would actually change his mind about me now. I'm not going down that road again.

So instead of dwelling over the fact that he changed his mind about me, I decided I would try to finally get over something that I have been running away from for the longest time. I decided I would start telling people my real story.

You might think that I must have done something so bad to make me THIS afraid. Yes, for me it was THAT bad that I am actually ashamed of telling people about it. Because if you knew my story, I think you would think of me as a selfish and cold hearted individual. I am actually scared for myself because of it.

So lately I have been working on this 'the truth will set you free' drama. I have to say,I was surprised to find out that confessing to other people isn't really that hard. But then it's maybe because I am confessing to people who are actually close to me. To people that I really trust. All of them said that what happened was really not my fault. A part of me is willing to believe that, but then maybe it will take me a little more time to fully believe in that because up until today I still feel like that I had something to do with what happened. And I am really not rushing to forgive myself for what happened. Right now, I'm just glad that I was able to finally face my fear. To finally tell other people about what really happened this year.

So, I guess the ending of our relationship actually did me good. If it weren't for that I would've continued with my strategy of pushing people away just so I could keep myself from being vulnerable. I guess the ending was necessary. I would not complain about it. I just really wish he chose a more 'gentlemanly' ending. But then I don't really have a say on that part. So I'd simply settle with the feeling of being thankful that despite the end of that relationship I was able to face something that I should've dealt with from the very beginning.

bugtong hininga

2010-12-14T09:31:00.000-08:00

"He always said she wasn't easy to love & she believed him for a long time (so she acted like that whenever she had a chance...)"- Brian Andreas

_______________

I really can't let other people brain wash me. I'd like to believe that I have a good head, I just have to figure out how to use it.

I messed up this time. I think I've been messing up for the longest time when it comes to this. Good news is... I still have time to change.... better late than never as they say. argh.

the best things in life are LIBRE

2010-11-21T06:32:00.000-08:00

This doesn't cost a penny but it's so hard to find.

dear brain

2010-10-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting and trying to write these past few days but it seems like my mind cannot decide on what to write about.

Should I write about the loss of a loved one?

About the 6 months that passed which I have spent preparing for the biggest exam of my wannabe dream?

Or all these things that are running on my head right now. Thoughts that I don't even know how to express.

My head is all jumbled up again. But this time I can actually say that I don't mind. After trying to discipline my head to focus on becoming somebody, disregarding all the things in my life that might distract me, I think it deserves a little break. It has earned the right to run in circles for a while; to not make any sense at all.

So okay, brain, I'm giving you a time out. But I'm sorry to tell you that your time out might come to an end soon. We have to get moving in a few weeks time... You know fully well that I'm not really cut out for this doing nothing lifestyle. You know we both hate it... I'm only giving you a time out now because I feel like I've been pretty hard on you for the past months. So..enjoy it while it lasts!

negaman is dead

2010-10-03T23:49:00.000-07:00

"You never get over the pain, you simply get used to it."

big bang ending

2010-05-31T07:06:00.000-07:00

And so the peace I've been feeling for the past weeks just ended with a bang. A very dramatic bang, which reminded me of the dramas that I had to go through when I was growing up. tsk. I thought those episodes were over. I thought everybody had grown up and moved on. But it turned out that there are still some characters who remained the same. They were merely putting up a show. And tonight, masks, which were carefully crafted and placed, have fallen off.

Old woulds were reopened. No one was prepared for it. But then again should anyone be surprised by it? We can never pretend that all was simply buried in the past. Everything might have been locked in somewhere in our minds. And everybody was ready to pretend that there was nothing there. But we can never really keep something like that be locked up to oblivion. Somewhere along the line, the key to it is bound to turn up.

And I guess for as long as we keep doing that cycle of simply pushing it way back in our heads and pretending that it never occurred, we would always find ourselves facing this kind of big bang ending.

no more chair.

2010-05-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

Chuck: I haven’t read any posts on Gossip Girl yet. I guess my ban works in the provinces.
Blair: I knew it. I knew you’d fatwa’d me.
Chuck: …And I knew you couldn’t break it.
Blair: You’re wrong. I could have.
Chuck: Then why didn’t you?
Blair: Because… I suddenly realized it. The way to get over you isn’t by hooking up with some random guy, or pretending like we didn’t happen. You and I loved each other, and then you broke my heart. I’ve been doing everything possible not to face that fact. I’m gonna kiss somebody someday, and when I do, it’ll be for me. Goodbye, Chuck. I’m going home.

evasive sarita

2010-03-30T04:31:00.001-07:00

I would have to let someone in at some point. But definitely NOT TODAY. Maybe someday...

i heart andy

2010-03-25T18:58:00.000-07:00

Andy: Travis, women will always drive us nuts but have compassion, for they only behave that way to protect themselves. They date men they feel superior to so they can’t get hurt. They almost miss out on stuff they feel they aren’t good enough for. Once in a while, they find the courage to just be themselves and then it’s worth the wait.

___________________

I really like Andy. I can actually see myself ending up with someone like him. haha

it's in the genes

2010-03-24T05:27:00.000-07:00

My mother has a gift of making you feel like you're the most ungrateful person in the whole wide world.

Meanwhile, my father has a gift of keeping it cool even if his whole life is crumbling before him.

END RESULT: three apathetic kids! haha

emo stress

2010-03-23T20:03:00.000-07:00

When under emotional stress, NEVER make a decision.

The past few days has been torture for me. I felt like my life was hanging by a thread. I was feeling so low that I even considered saying YES to someone out of pure selfishness. Yes, I got to the point where I felt I had to cling on to someone.

I was at my lowest point the other day. My head was playing every bad scenario I could think of. I was with a friend and although she made an effort to comfort me, I still felt terrible. We were on our way to the third floor of the school building when I saw him. Upon seeing him I momentarily forgot about what I was stressing about. Somehow, I thought of him as a breath of fresh air at that time. Well, actually I would not go that far. Let's just say that I was glad I saw him that day, though the spark that my friends kept looking for between us was still not there.

After our brief encounter I tried to figure out what I actually felt for him. While was playing with all the facts in my head, I received a message from him asking me if I wanted to have dinner. I said yes, well not immediately. But that's just because I didn't want him to think that I was too eager to have dinner with him.=P But in my head I was already thinking he is the perfect distraction from all the nega thougts I've been having.

And I was absolutely right! Going out with him that time was the perfect distraction for me. At one point I told him what was troubling me, and like any other rational person he tried to make me feel better. That time I felt like I was "in a relationship" again. I had someone that I could talk to other than my friends. And I'd like to believe that this person really cares for me. I liked the idea too much that if at that time he asked me, I would actually be tempted to say yes. Not because I wanted to be with him in that level. But simply because I wanted to keep that feeling of security that I felt when I was with him while I was feeling terrible. It felt nice. Saying yes to him that time would have been an act of pure selfishness on my side, something which he does not deserve at all.

Will I ever figure out what I really feel for him? Maybe someday but definitely not today.=P

Good thing the emotional torture is already over. Now, I would no longer be tempted to do such a selfish thing. Thank God it's over.
________
P.S.

I'm done with school! Thank you Lord. You have been so good to me. <3>

T for toblerone

2010-02-15T06:43:00.000-08:00

I finally ate the white toblerone that has been sitting on my dresser for the past couple of weeks. Not eating it was supposed to stand for something, although I've never really figured out what it is supposed to stand for.

It took me less than 10 minutes to eat it. But I never really figured out why I wasn't eating it in the first place. Was I trying to be sentimental? Maybe. But then, why should I be? I don't even know what it really stands for. And I guess when it comes to 'toblerone', I'll never really come into any logical realization. I'll just have take it for what it is. It is a chocolate. A white chocolate. I like white chocolates. Therefore, I'll eat it. That is all there is to it. (ows?)

there's always THAT moment

2010-02-02T08:48:00.000-08:00

"DAN: I fell in love with her, Alice.
ALICE: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, I can do this, I can give in to this, or I can resist it, and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet there was one."- Closer

I really like this movie. Strangely for me, the movie was so refreshing. It was entirely different from the usual love movies that I've watched. I think it's because the movie was so close to reality. The characters were so shameless in being selfish. The movie was about selfishness at its ugliest! Love it! And did I mention that Jude Law is on it? =P

zombie mode

2010-02-01T09:31:00.000-08:00

I haven't really decided on anything concrete yet. I'm no where near the conclusion. Why is it that other people are assuming to0 much already?

I think they are forgetting the fact that I am entitled to change my mind any time. Heck, I'm not even at the point where I am perfectly capable of deciding on anything concrete. Right now, I may be likened to a zombie, functioning like a human but then not entirely capable of feeling anything. And I guess that's the way I would be for the coming months. I guess I've set my mind already on that point. But don't get me wrong here. I haven't gone completely cold. I am still capable of feeling some emotions. Tiny kicks here and there that I can easily brush off. Just the way I like it for now!

So there's no really point in getting excited! Easy!

forced reflection about IT

2010-01-25T00:02:00.000-08:00

I told myself I wouldn't think about IT while I still am trying to be somebody. But then, it is as if the circumstances lately are forcing me to think very hard about IT. I can't even say what IT is.

So okay, IT might have something to do with the L word. And I hate the fact that I should be thinking about it at this time of my life. I should really be focusing right now on being that somebody that I've always wanted to be. But by force of circumstances, I think I might have to spend some time thinking hard about IT.

What is really IT all about?

Well, to be perfectly honest, after being with someone and getting my heart broken for so many times I still haven't figured out what IT is all about.

All I know now is I need certain things, certain qualities before I can say that this is really IT.

You see, I'd like to believe that I am a special case. And that is not because I am walking around thinking I'm better than others. That's actually far from being the case.

To start off, I have a twisted family history with twisted characters on it. I need someone who could be able to understand that and won't judge me for that. Someone who would be able to accept me despite the fact that I would be pushing him to a bunch of crazies. Someone who could remind me that there is still hope for sanity for me even if I came from the house of crazies. To put it bluntly, I need someone with a strong stomach.

I guess that requirement alone would be enough to help me decide whether I found IT.

Not long ago, I would have said that I need someone who could make me truly happy. But then I've realized that happiness is simply a state of mind. We can actually easily convince ourselves that we are happy in any given situation. It's all in our minds. Happiness is simply a matter of choice.

Instead of looking for someone who could make us happy, I think it would be better if we look for someone who could hold us down whenever we find our lives being shaken. Someone who could pull us out from life's insanity and remind us that the craziness would end at some point. I don't need someone who could make me feel good about myself. I am perfectly capable of doing that by myself. What I do need is someone who would be there when the going gets tough. To put it metaphorically, I need my personal wall in which I can cling to whenever I am being shaken.

And now.. I am being cheesy at this point. =P

Anyway.. I guess that is all I can figure out now. The rest would have to wait.

torture me not.

2010-01-22T07:55:00.000-08:00

Why is it that there are people who exist to torture us emotionally? Why do they have to pull you into their own pool of dramas over and over again?

Isn't the one time that I've been hurt enough? Maybe the problem is I never really showed what I felt. I tried to act as if nothing happened, as if none of those things mattered. Maybe if I had allowed my mask to slip that one time he would realize how much the whole situation hurt me. Maybe then, he'd realize that I should not be subjected to this kind of torture over and over again.

I do not want to feel anything. Not even hate. Hate is such a strong emotion and I do not want to waste any of my energy on such a negative feeling. I wish there was some way that I could make him see the whole situation through my eyes. So that he could realize that in all those times that he has seen hesitation in my eyes, I was simply thinking, "Is it for real this time or is this simply one of those bad replays that I should shrug off?" It was never really a question about feelings.

Emo!

I'll just kick myself now.

FACT: some stories have to be earned.

2010-01-16T18:36:00.000-08:00

Narrator: As he listened, Tom began to realize that these stories weren't routinely told. These were stories one had to earn. He could feel the wall coming down. He wondered if anyone else had made it this far. Which is why the next six words changed everything.
Summer: I've never told anybody that before.
Tom: I guess I'm not just anybody.

time out from hell week

2010-01-14T04:12:00.000-08:00

While I was in a coffee shop the other day, a little boy approached me and asked me if I was Ms. Tina. The boy was so cute and adorable that I wanted to say yes! I wonder who Ms. Tina is.. if she's his tutor I'd gladly replace her! haha

now.. back to hell... =P

dear future kids

2009-12-29T08:43:00.000-08:00

"There is so much hate coming out of your mouth. You truly are your mother's daughter."

I was trying to be poetic when I said this to someone while we were talking about our parents and we ended up laughing so hard. (sigh)

Parents can get really crazy. Maybe the craziness comes with old age.

If that's the case, then I hope that my own kids would have enough humor in them to simply laugh it all off. I hope they'll have enough sense in them to realize that despite Mommy's insanity, I am still the same person who loves them dearly, even if sometimes they are already tempted to beat the wits out of me.

To my future kids, I'd like all of you to know that, at some point in my life I was just as sane as you. And at some point, I also thought that my Mom was as seriously crazy as you think I am now. Love you future kids! mwah.

overthinking

2009-12-25T08:57:00.001-08:00

Will I be brave enough to give it a shot?
Or would some other time be the best option for me.
But then again, is there really such a thing as a perfect time for things?
A part of me believes in that.
But then half of me says, I refuse to be dictated by time.

So what now?

I guess, I'll just let time decide for me.
So much for refusing to be dictated by it...
Yabang kasi. =P

a middle child's nightmare

2009-12-23T03:26:00.000-08:00

Mother: Sorsya, kakain na. (then she suddenly remembers that I went out the previous night) Paskong pasko alis ka ng alis ah.
Sorsya: 'Di naman sinabi na Christmas time magkulong sa bahay.
Mother: Ah hindi gusto ko, lagi kita nakikita.

______

THIS IS BAD. Since when did the middle child become the favorite? And when I say 'the favorite', I don't mean that as a good thing.

I was happy being the middle child. I was used to it. What did I ever do to deserve too much attention now? argh.

electric/eccentric

2009-12-20T04:04:00.000-08:00

If I were to pick a song that would perfectly fit me, this would be it:

___________
P.S.
This serves as a WARNING that I am not what I seem to be.=P

the ugly truth

2009-12-14T07:33:00.000-08:00

"It's funny...when you date someone, you're taking one long course on who that person is, and when you break up, all of that stuff is useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree."

what sweet cheeks told to me tonight

2009-12-13T07:39:00.000-08:00

"Check him out-- even if he's a Maybe; even if you know he's not really The One, but you feel he has a chance of being The One. Coz the right ones-- even those who have the remotest possibility of being The One-- they don't come by too often, if they ever do come at all."

_____
and again, the answer came from Ally Mcbeal! =) I love you Ally... and sweet cheeks! Glad you're back for the holidays! mwah!

distraction

2009-12-09T05:12:00.000-08:00

Is drunk texting possible? ows? =P

another fiction

2009-12-01T08:46:00.000-08:00

a tryst

She was left wondering what was going on inside his head. But then in the end she realized it doesn't matter, whatever it is he was thinking about, because she knew where they stand. She knew how it would turn out. She could have said a thing or two about the past. But then she saw no point. The past is where it is supposed to be. And they are both where they are supposed to be.

i found pooh.

2009-11-28T08:46:00.000-08:00

Finn Hudson is a Pooh! Now, if only I can find a real life Pooh-like person.

never ending story

2009-11-25T04:46:00.000-08:00

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.

__________
But then it's possible for a man to unwittingly commit exactly the same mistake.

pooh and friends

2009-11-23T05:55:00.000-08:00

It amazes me how the Winnie the Pooh series is filled with philosophical undertones. One would think the series is all about stupid stuffed animals who somehow always to get into trouble but then if you'd actually try to get past those silly things you'd discover a variety of philosophical schools of thought.

Sometimes when I want to puzzle over other people's behavior I tend to identify them with the characters of the series. And you know what whenever I try to do this weird exercise of mine I rarely find a Pooh.

I think Poohs make great company and it's a shame that they are so few. They are the people who are so easy to be with because of the simplicity of their minds, as opposed to Rabbits that tend to really get on my nerves. You see, I hate Rabbits. I can never be with Rabbits. They think they know everything about anything. Usually, they are the ones who cannot seem to shut up. They always have something to say but then what they say really doesn't matter most of the time. On the other hand, I can stand Piglets. I cannot be around them 24/7 but they can be good company most of the time. Not as good as Poohs but they will do if there's no Pooh around. I think Piglets are harmless creatures. They often know their limitations and they would never really try to push the envelope. I think if you want to be on the safe side of things you can always rely on a Piglet to find that side. Then you have the Eeyores. These are the nega creatures. But you know what I prefer being with them than being with a Rabbit. And they are really not that bad. Once you 've cheered them up from their current down state, they're good to go. But I think there is only a certain level of 'Eeyoreness' that each of us can tolerate. Anything beyond that may actually be bad for us. And then there's Tigger. This kind is special to me. You see, I have this tendency to be attracted to Tiggers. It's so fun watching them bounce around thinking that they can do everything. And I always find myself wishing that I'd be able to do that too. I often want to be with a Tigger but the problem is I can't really handle the continuous bouncing around. I think too much bouncing around is stupid and a waste of time.

So there. And what's the point of all of these? Nothing actually. I've just shown you a piece of the inner workings of my mind. =P
________________

I was free writing here. So excuse my english. And I just realized how therapeutic free writing can be.=) let's do this again sarita!=)

TO: MR. LV

2009-11-16T06:34:00.000-08:00

BERKELEY

Dear Monsieur Louis Vuitton,

I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for making this designer bag especially for me. When I first saw this, I immediately thought "This is so me." Well, at least that's what I have convinced myself to think. But I would like to inform you that I would still not be able to get this from you in the next few months (hopefully, at most!). You see, I'm still trying to be somebody and I do not think that at this time I would be able to carry this bag around with the confidence and swagger that it deserves. I think that if I were to carry this bag right now, I would be like a little girl carrying my mother's purse. And that would be such a waste for such a work of art.

I want to get this bag from you when I think I already deserve it. And I think, considering your classic and exquisite taste, that you would have to completely agree with me on this. You can't let me carry this bag around right now. It would do no good for the both of us.

Again, thank you! You are such a thoughtful person for making this bag just for me! To think we haven't even met yet!

Mille bisous,

Sarita Gaga

overnight. over time.

2009-11-10T06:32:00.000-08:00

Some things are simply not meant to happen overnight. tsk.

i'm officially a gleek.

2009-11-03T17:40:00.000-08:00

what dreams may come.

2009-11-03T05:45:00.000-08:00

I'm still dreaming about babies. I think the dream has been going on for over a month now. And every time I dream about it it's always the same. I always find myself taking care of someone else's baby.

Does this mean that a part of me is yearning for that kind of responsibility already?

One of my friends says that it's possible that I may be simply yearning for the feeling of taking care of someone. Another told me that babies signify a change. But whatever it meant I wish I could figure it out already. I mean sure babies are cute. But having them in your dreams almost all the time under the same circumstances freaks me out a little. I mean, is my head telling me it's time for me to have a baby??? Yikes. Sorry my brain, not possible any time soon.

But then this little stress is nothing compared to what's ahead of me... I don't think it could even qualify as a source of stress. But stressful or not, it freaks me out.. just a little. :P
_______________
The message in recurring dreams may be so important and/or powerful that it refuses to go away. The frequent repetition of such dreams forces you to pay attention and confront the dream. It is desperately trying to tell you something.

walls are there for a purpose.

2009-11-01T02:38:00.000-08:00

"A lot of people would talk about the horrors in other people's lives as if they were genuinely concerned to help them, but the truth was that they took pleasure in the suffering of others, because that made them believe that they were happy and their life had been generous with them.

She wasn't going to give this man an opportunity to take advantage of her state, in order to mask his own frustrations."
Veronika Decides to Die
by Paulo Coelho

wanna know a secret?

2009-10-30T08:32:00.000-07:00

The air is so different now. I don't know how to describe it in precise terms but there is just this feeling within me every time I get a whiff of the air these days. It's as if it's filling your insides with something.

It's like the air is carrying a secret promise, and as the days pass by it can no longer keep it to itself. Thus, it finds a way to whisper it. And once its soft whisper reaches our hearts, we cannot help but respond to the untold promise of something that would lift us up from where we are. We close our eyes for a moment, and inhaling deeply, we smile to ourselves as we feel our insides being filled with this secret. And although we are not quite sure what the secret is all about, we are willing to make room for this unknown puzzle as we believe that this certain piece would somehow fill that void within you, even just for a while.

But the weird part in all of this is come Christmas time, the void actually becomes more distinct. It's as if that emptiness within you managed to grow by itself without you knowing it. And you know why it feels bigger than it actually is? It's the air! It has managed to cover that hole within us by making us feel all warm and fuzzy inside until that perfect time when we have our guards down. And at that point it uncovers that void once again to release its full force upon us. And you already know what happens next...

So, you see, the air is actually deceiving us.=P Don't let it get you!

funny people

2009-10-26T06:13:00.000-07:00

People are funny when they try to be nosy.

I heard this rumor from my friend that someone was insisting that I was actually in a relationship with one of my friends. And this person was actually insisting that I was simply keeping the relationship under the radar (showbiz?).

When I heard this rumor I could not stop myself from laughing out loud. I really find it so amusing that someone would think that me and my friend would actually be more than just friends. I wonder what she saw in us to make her think of that...I don't think I ever did anything out of the ordinary that would make anyone think that I'm actually with my friend.

Sure, in some instances, I might have used this friend of mine to get rid of a certain nuisance. A nuisance that I have longed to punch in the face just to shake him off from his delusions! I mean, Boy, makiramdam ka naman! Anyway, that nuisance is another story. A story that I do not intend to waste my precious time on.

Back to my friend. Yes, he's simply just that. A friend. I could never like someone who has more side comments than myself. He's too talkative for my taste. I remember one time in a class, I was sitting beside him and before the class started he was already talking non-stop. When I realized that he would not shut up any time soon, I suddenly stood up and told him, "Sa unahan ako. wala ako marinig dito." He's a good friend. but he's really not the type whom I can stand to be with for long periods of time. I'd be simply be exhausted just trying to keep up with the endless chatter.

But that's not really the funny part. The person who kept on insisting that I am with my friend clearly does not know me very well. I don't think that I could simply keep mum if ever I was actually in a relationship right now. I don't think I would be able to keep myself from shutting up about that kind of thing. I don't think something like that is meant to be kept. Why hide something as special as that, right? But then, maybe that's just the romantic bone in me.

Now, amusement is over. Back to my books, now!

i want my very own nothing box.

2009-10-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

pilosopiya ni sarita sorsya # 3

2009-10-10T07:34:00.000-07:00

We are, by nature, selfish creatures.
I guess it basically stems from our instinct of self-preservation.
Why else is selfless love is so rare?

let's talk about beauty

2009-10-05T07:59:00.000-07:00

"Beauty is common.

Sure, it's work to maintain, but so what if you're beautiful? There are so many beautiful people in the world. Look around. Big deal! Beauty is an accident--so you got lucky in the gene pool--but what have YOU made of yourself. That's what I'm interested in.

So for me when I meet someone that is attractive, it does nothing for me. And in fact I often wonder if they've gotten lazy cultivating the other parts of their personality, the ones that don't fade. What I usually like to ask them is: what are three things about you that a man would find attractive, and none of them can be about your looks."-- STYLE & MYSTERY

the world's best pick up artist

2009-10-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

He really exists! And pick up artists really exist! I can't believe it. I thought it was all fiction.I thought he only made it look like it was based on a true story. Now, the book just got more interesting. I want to finish it already but nerd duties are standing on my way. sigh.

If he is the world's best pick up artist then it just goes to show that it really all boils down to one's personality. Well, he actually made a deliberate effort so that his personality would allow him to get women, which actually involved a lot of practice and a lot of scripted routines.

Isn't that kind of deceiving?

Well, Dr. Phil doesn't think so. He says it's just like how women had to learn how to attract men using their charms. Like them, men had to figure out the best way to approach women without scaring them off. He says it's just the same. I say, err.. maybe. I don't really care. All I know is I want to finish the book already. But Azucena is still waiting for me. Jusko! =P

reality hits

2009-09-29T00:34:00.000-07:00

September 25, 2009 Night time.
Typhoon Ondoy came.

Before going to bed, I said to myself, "If the rain continues until tomorrow, classes will be suspended." Not that I had classes that day. But we were supposed to go to Diamond Hotel.

September 26, '09 Early morning.
It was still raining. I knew, even without checking my phone and FB that classes were suspended already. I continued to drool on my pillow until late morning. When I woke up, the rain was still pouring. But I didn't pay much attention to it. I went to my usual ritual. I ate. Took a moment of deep reflection. (Yup, I do that every morning. But usually it just means I simply close my eyes and take a deep breath and tell God "please let me survive this day".) Then I ate some more and took another moment. (just to make sure that God heard me the first time.) After that I turned on the computer to check if we were still bound to go to Diamond Hotel that day.

Flood came by late afternoon. But, still, I was not moved. I simply thought of it as inevitable given the fact that it was raining non-stop since the previous night.

Night time
The rain finally stopped. I was glad it finally did. The rain already ruined my Saturday. I didn't want it to ruin my Sunday, which is my favorite day as of this semester.This time I thought of tuning in on the t.v., only because the internet connection was down. And then there it was...

Wow. I could not believe that what seemed to be a mere nuisance for me could wreak so much havoc. By this time, I was ashamed of myself. I sat at home complaining about the rain because it kept me from going out, while others were actually fighting for their dear life.

It became official. I am selfish.

And now what?
Well, I'm trying my best not to be. I'm trying to do what others are doing right now. I'm playing the role of the charitable soul. But it doesn't feel right. Not that I'm not comfortable doing good deeds. But it scares me that I had to witness such a disaster just for me to realize something. I mean I started caring now because of the disaster. But where was I before all these? (Oh wait I know the answer to this one! I was at my room, sitting at my desk, struggling to be somebody.)

And it doesn't help that FB right now is filled with all these HELP NOW messages. It seems like everyone naturally has a good heart up their sleeves. It seems like they are not having a hard time extending a hand to those who are in need. And God bless them. That, after all, is the natural thing to do. But for the twisted version of me, extending a hand isn't as simple as that. I feel actually ashamed for extending my hand just now. It's as if while I try to do my part somebody's chanting at the background saying, "Oh bakit ngayon lang?".

I'm over thinking this. And I'm making this about myself and I shouldn't! Selfish. Hay Sarita. Just start packing stuff to give away. Maybe I really am selfish. But at least I admit it and I'm trying to fight it.

étranger

2009-09-20T08:43:00.001-07:00

Strangers are easy.
It's the people who know you that are hard to deceive.

I love strangers.

it's all in the quality

2009-09-13T08:26:00.000-07:00

Dr. Jules Hilbert: Hell Harold, you could just eat nothing but pancakes if you wanted.
Harold Crick: What is wrong with you? Hey, I don't want to eat nothing but pancakes, I want to live! I mean, who in their right mind in a choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes?
Dr. Jules Hilbert: Harold, if you pause to think, you'd realize that that answer is inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led... and, of course, the quality of the pancakes.
(Stranger Than Fiction)

r-rated thought

2009-09-13T01:10:00.000-07:00

I may look manang as one of my friends would say, which I vehemently object to by the way ,but this entry might shed some light on whether I really stand in the manang category.:P

Yesterday, in one of my classes, the topic was the about the provision of the law regarding the punishment that will be imposed if a person, who surprises his spouse in the act of sexual intercourse with another, kills or inflicts serious physical injuries upon either or both of the parties caught in the act.* The law says that instead of being imprisoned, he/she shall be sentenced to destierro.

Now, I don't have any problems with this provision of the law. Nor do I really care about it. It's actually how we discussed this topic that bothered me, particularly, the use of the term 'sexual intercourse'.

Errr.. this isn't really a very smart entry and I think some might think of me as silly for even thinking of this. But I'm going to write it anyway.

You see, I noticed that every time that we are to talk about the act of sexual intercouse in class we never refer to it as just 'sex' but we still make use of the term 'sexual intercourse' ,which is so much longer in terms of syllables. Why do we have to keep saying that the husband caught the wife in the act of sexual intercourse? Why not just say the husband caught the wife having sex?

And it's really not just for this one provision. Every time the topic of having sexual intercourse is being discussed in relation to a provision of the law, we rarely use the term 'sex' but instead we make use of the longer word. And the funny thing is while I'm taking down notes I usually have an internal debate with myself on whether I should write down 'sexual intercourse' or 'sex'. And I always end up writing sexual intercourse, even if it's so much longer to write.

Why are we so careful with these terms, anyway? It means the same thing but then the other term seems to sound more decent than the other, right? Maybe the term sexual intercourse sounds more academic than the term sex? Or maybe I'm just really weird and all these non-sense doesn't really matter to other people...

Yup, I think it's just me. So manang or not? But I think weird suits me better. =)

________________
REVISED PENAL CODE
Art. 247. Death or physical injuries inflicted under exceptional circumstances. — Any legally married person who having surprised his spouse in the act of committing sexual intercourse with another person, shall kill any of them or both of them in the act or immediately thereafter, or shall inflict upon them any serious physical injury, shall suffer the penalty of destierro.XXX

truth stings

2009-09-07T10:54:00.000-07:00

I hate the fact that I can relate to Lucy's sadness. Well, hate is not really the correct term. It actually saddens me. How did I end to be like this? Oh well never mind. I'll get it right, one of these days. Someday. Soon. I have to!
__________
Lucy is character in a movie that I've just watched. I will not disclose the title of the movie as the disclosure of such information would completely give away exactly what I feel these days. Something that I intend to keep to myself for the reason that what I feel right now is nobody's concern but mine.=)

this might be true...

2009-09-07T04:17:00.000-07:00

In his day, Oscar himself had made too many girls forget their better instincts and fine training by biting them with tender persistence at the base of their skull, just where the hairline grew in downy wisps. Girls were like kittens in this way, if you got them right at the nape of their neck, they went easily limp.

- Bel Canto by Ann Patchet

mais. panis.

2009-08-30T05:57:00.000-07:00

Funny how someone who used to be so insignificant in your life could suddenly become the source of your own insecurity.
______
It could be you. It could be me. But then again it's really YOU. =P

... and I found the video clip of it.

2009-08-25T10:07:00.000-07:00

___________
*and the movie is still in my head until now. good night world!=)

mr. joe f-o-x

2009-08-25T05:51:00.000-07:00

What about you, is there someone else?

No. No, but... but there's the dream of someone else.

_______________

I just finished watching You've Got Mail again and I just can't stop myself from smiling.

This is my favorite part, well, aside from the final scene:

Joe Fox: You know, sometimes I wonder...
Kathleen Kelly: What?
Joe Fox: Well... if I hadn't been Fox Books and you hadn't been The Shop Around the Corner, and you and I had just, well... met...
Kathleen Kelly: I know.
Joe Fox: Yeah. I would have asked for your number, and I wouldn't have been able to wait twenty-four hours before calling you and saying, "Hey, how about... oh, how about some coffee or, you know, drinks or dinner or a movie... for as long as we both shall live?"
Kathleen Kelly: Joe...
Joe Fox: And you and I would have never been at war. And the only thing we'd fight about would be which video to rent on a Saturday night.
Kathleen Kelly: Well, who fights about that?
Joe Fox: Well, some people. Not us.
Kathleen Kelly: We would never.
Joe Fox: If only.

*Because of this movie alone, I'll be smiling for the rest of the week.=)

just say yes!

2009-08-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

Sarita is a bit confusing for me right now.
She wanted something and, now, she has a slightly good chance of getting what she wants. Well, at least that's what she thinks. Maybe if she'll give it a few pushes she'll probably get it. But she's such a coward nowadays. Well, maybe she's reading into things too much. Maybe there's really not that much of a chance. But then, what really frustrates me is that she's not in the least bit motivated to give it a try. A bit of a nudge wouldn't really hurt ,right? But well I guess, right now, she's content with the monotony of her life and she doesn't really want to start something that she might not be ready for. OR maybe she has just really lost it. Boo!
Where is the girl that I love and hate at the same time? Where is the girl who'll do anything and everything just to get what she wants? Where is the girl who is ready to make a fool of herself just to fight for what she wants? What happened to the girl who is brave enough to face the world with the so few arsenals that she has up her sleeves? Sure, that girl was a little foolish for her own good but I miss her.
The girl I see right now is kind of robotic and unfeeling. Sure, she knows how to have fun. She knows her priorities and she knows where she stands. But then she seems to be so careful all the time. She keeps on thinking and rethinking things to the point that when she already made up her mind it's already too late for her to act. Sigh.
This girl makes me nuts. Chances have gone by and she's still clueless on what she really actually wants. It seems like whenever she gets to have a chance on something she suddenly has this urge of creeping back to her hole to pretend that she's taking her time to think. When in fact all she did was linger in the dark. I don't really know what she's doing there. Maybe she's waiting for someone to drag her out there by the ankle. I can't believe how much of a coward she had become.
But I have to say, I have to admire her for one thing. She really stood up for something despite the disaster that she had to go through. Though I know a part of her thinks that it's selfish of her to insist on what she wanted, I have to say that on that regard she really has come a long way. Some people might think of her as a timid girl who only squeaks every now and then. But I tell you, she's more than that. She has already been through hell and back. I know not everyone knows her story. She doesn't really talk about herself too much. But that's just really her nature. She'd rather hear the stories of other people. 'Coz really, what's the point in that? You already know who you are, why do you have to go around telling people who you are? Why not let them figure you out?
I just wish the a little part of the old Sarita would come back. Or maybe that part of her is still within her just waiting for the right time. But when will that happen?
Sarita. Sarita. You're too complicated, even for me. =P
___________________

Sarita after 10 mins. of thinking:

No, I have not turned into a coward. Maybe I'm just taking my time off. You know how last year was. It was the worst time for me and for you. I still can't believe how I managed to get out of it in one piece. I was pretty sure that I'd breakdown that time. But look at me now, I can still wear my goofy smile with my gums all out!
Patience my dear. That time will come, whatever that is you're complaining about. haha. And besides, you still have something BIG coming for you. Just think of that first and everything else will follow. ;)

confessions

2009-08-08T11:30:00.000-07:00

Sarita: I wonder why it's so easy to be truthful to strangers...

Juanita: It's because no matter what they do with the truth, they could never hurt you.

sungit mode

2009-08-05T09:27:00.000-07:00

I've had my share of rejection. It's only right that I share it to others.
The world is not fair. It never was.
Deal with it.

_____________
*a product of PMS and stress.

deus ex machina

2009-07-25T08:13:00.000-07:00

de⋅us ex ma⋅chi⋅na

–noun

1.	(in ancient Greek and Roman drama) a god introduced into a play to resolve the entanglements of the plot.

2.	any artificial or improbable device resolving the difficulties of a plot.

-it literally means "god from the machine"
-this is a plot device in which a person or thing appears "out of the blue" to help a character to overcome a seemingly insolvable difficulty.
-It refers to a sudden and unexpected resolution to a seemingly intractable problem in a plot-line. (source wikipedia.com)
----------------------

FOR SOME CRITICS:
They say that the use of this kind of plot device implies a lack of skill on the part of the author as it completely disregards the logical flow of the story and allows the author to direct the story to an unlikely conclusion in order for him to be able to deliver a palatable ending.
I SAY:
Isn't that how life really is?
We go on with this life thinking that we have all things figured out. We know what we want, we know what to do...everything makes sense, then suddenly *poof* and comes out the biggest surprise of our lives...

I used to like surprises. But right now... not so much.

pilosopiya ni sarita sorsya #2

2009-07-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

We can never cheat life.
In one way or another it'll get us.
And I swear, once it gets you...
you'll never be the same again.

we're only human

2009-07-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

"My 'Angry Mode': it comes and it goes...
though it is a mystery
why I act so out of control
as to let my emotions get the best of me.
I can't help it; can't deny it.
There is anger; won't try to hide it.
Got to burn it; set it on fire.
Ashes blowin' in the sky and I wonder why..."

law and i

2009-07-02T09:19:00.000-07:00

"de minimis non curat lex"

... meaning the law does not concern itself with trifles.

and at this point in my life, ... I should not really concern myself with trivial matters. (sigh) I knew we were perfect for each other.

Now, to figure out if Jude can agree with me...haha :P

everyone googles

2009-07-01T08:08:00.000-07:00

I Google you
late at night when I don't know what to do
I find photos
you've forgotten
you were in
put up by your friends

I Google you
when the day is done and everything is through
I read your journal
that you kept
that month in France
I've watched you dance

And I'm pleased your name is practically unique
it's only you and
a would-be PhD in Chesapeake
who writes papers on
the structure of the sun
I've read each one

I know that I
should let you fade
but there's that box
and there's your name
somehow it never makes the pain
grow less or fade or disappear
I think that I should save my soul and
I should crawl back in my hole
But it's too easy just to fold
and type your name again
I fear
I google you
Whenever I'm alone and feeling blue
And each scrap of information
That I gather
says you've found somebody new
And it really shouldn't matter
ought to blow up my computer
but instead….
I google you

*the lyrics is by Neil Gaiman. We all google.

an alien to this world.

2009-06-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
-C.S Lewis

At some point in our lives we might convince ourselves that we are, indeed, meant for another world. Not because this world is too much for us but because this world isn't actually enough for us. As if we have grown bigger than this world and it can no longer contain us. But then after a few attempts of breaking free, of trying to find our way out, we then find ourselves resigned to the fate that this world has set for us. And our remaining days are spent trying to fit ourselves into the mold that was never our own making.

How ironic, as I am writing these words, a voice inside me is trying to contradict me, telling me that I got it all wrong.

Yes, I know, it's wrong to put the blame on the world. After all, we are simply victims of our own choices.

But then there are really just those moments when I am so convinced that I'm better off in another world. That this world isn't really enough for me, as if I've become bigger than this world. But then as I walk through its surface ,all proud and tall, convinced that I have actually become bigger than it is, I suddenly stumble onto something causing me to fall flat on my face. (Um! ilusyonada ka!) haha.

But you see, sometimes, it's just much easier to accept the fact that we are meant for another world than to try to understand that there are just some things that we'll never get hold of. =)

good night world!

pilosopiya ni sarita sorsya #1

2009-06-04T09:58:00.000-07:00

I don't mind making a fool of myself if it would mean I would get what I want in the end.

Juan Antonio

2009-06-03T05:55:00.000-07:00

Cristina: [Looking at a sculpture of Jesus] Are you very religious?
Juan Antonio: No, no, no, no, I'm not. The trick is to enjoy life, accepting it has no meaning whatsoever.
Cristina: No meaning? You don't think that authentic love gives life meaning?
Juan Antonio: Yes, but love is so transient. Isn't it? I was in love with a most incredible woman... and then in the end...
Vicky: Yes?
Juan Antonio: She put a knife into me.
Cristina: My God, that's terrible!
Vicky: Well, maybe you did something to deserve it.
_____________________

I really like Juan Antonio. I like the way that he sees life. Looking at life as devoid of meaning seems to be a callous thing. But then If we'd really think about it, it's actually the best way to deal with it.

Putting up labels and meanings to things inevitably makes us set some expectations, and very often, in life, things don't really turn out the way we want them to turn out. I think it's really best for us to approach life without any expectations. We should avoid giving it meanings that simply tend to complicate it further. Let's simply take it as it is. In that way we save ourselves from disappointments. And wouldn't our lives be so much easier if we expose ourselves to less frustrations. Why maybe we can actually be like Juan Antonio and end up having two lovers under one roof! haha:P

Aside from Juan Antonio's philosophy in life, I also have to admire him for being able to make his polygamous nature seem like an okay thing. In fact, he didn't only make it seem like an okay thing, he made it seem very romantic, in a twisted way. But still I cannot deny that every time he tries to woo any of the three women, you get the sense that he's very sincere about his feelings towards each of them. As if it's possible for him to love the three women all at the same time. He made it appear that it's okay to have them all. And instead of being repulsed by what he was doing I actually admire him for it. If I were a guy, I would like to be exactly like him! galeng nya eh! haha... Now, I really understand why God never made me a guy! haha

Catherine Earnshaw

2009-06-02T09:03:00.000-07:00

This is the part where Catherine asks Nelly if she did the right thing in accepting Mr. Linton's proposal.

'There are many things to be considered before that question can be answered properly,' I said sententiously.
'First and foremost, do you love Mr. Edgar?'
'Who can help it? Of course I do,' she answered.
Then I put her through the following catechism: for a girl of twenty-two, it was not injudicious.
'Why do you love him Miss Cathy?'
'Nonsense, I do- that's sufficient.'
'By no means; you must say why?'
'Well, because he is handsome, and pleasant to be with.'
'Bad!' was my commentary.
'And because he is young and cheerful.'
'Bad, still.'
'And because he loves me.'
'Indifferent, coming there.'
'And he will be rich, and I shall like to be the greatest woman of the neighbourhood, and I shall be proud of having such a husband.'
'Worst of all. And now you say you love him?'
'As everybody loves- You're silly Nelly.'
'Not at all-Answer.'
'I love the ground under his feet, and the air over his head, and everything he touches, and every word he says. I love all his looks, and all his actions, and him entirely and altogether. There now!'
'And why?'
'Nay, you are making a jest of it: it is exceedingly ill-natured! It's no jest to me!' said the young lady, scowling and turning her face to the fire.
'I'm very far from jesting Miss Catherine,' I replied.
'You love Mr. Edgar, because he is handsome, and young, and cheerful, and rich, and loves you. The last, however, goes for nothing: you would love him without that, probably; and with it you wouldn't, unless he possessed the former attractions.'
'No to be sure not: I should only pity him- hate him, perhaps, if he were ugly, and a clown.'
'But there are several other handsome, rich young men in the world: handsomer, possibly, and richer than he is. What should hinder you from loving them?'
'If there be any, they are out of my way: I've seen none like Edgar.'
'You may see some: and he won't always be handsome, and young, and may not always be rich.'
'He is now; and I have only to do with the present. I wish you would speak rationally.'
'Well that settles it: if you have only to do with the present, marry Mr. Linton.'

i have a right to become a fan

2009-06-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

The 1st New Moon trailer is out already!

And yes, I’m a fan of the Twilight Saga and (of course) of Edward, so what? :P

shoe talks

2009-05-21T16:45:00.000-07:00

One of the things that separate me from other girls is that I never really enjoyed shoe shopping. For me, shoe shopping can really be very very frustrating. But don't get me wrong here I like shoes, not as much as I like bags, but I know how to express the right enthusiasm when I see a beautiful pair.

The frustration really comes from the fact that it's very difficult for me to find shoes that would perfectly fit me. I'm a size 9, I have wide feet and I'm working on a budget. Not really a very good combination.

Just yesterday I went out with my sister to go shoe hunting. We've been through a lot of stores and spent practically the whole day searching for the perfect pair but I still went home empty handed. And while I was trying a pair in this one store, the salesman was eyeing my feet as if thinking "it would never fit". And his assessment was actually right. He already gave me a size 9 and it still didn't fit!

It wouldn't really be too much of a burden if I really had more money for shoes. But the thing is I still don't, at least not yet.:P If only local brands would be able to have their sizes more aware of people like me. I mean is it so hard to make sure that they carry sizes 9 and up? Surely, I'm not the only girl with big feet. (Hindi lahat ng tao size 7 noh!)

Anyway, maybe I'll get lucky the next time I shop... :P

confusion to confucius

2009-05-20T04:14:00.000-07:00

She's been confused for the most part of her life. She has convinced herself that confusion can never be avoided what with the uncertainties that the world presents.

But then as life made fun of her, tossing her up and down she realizes that her main problem was she never really bothered looking closely. To be honest, she didn't really bother about so many things. She only cared for what she wanted and thought she needed. She's stubborn so she only saw the things that she wanted to see. She didn't really care if she gets hurt in the process of getting the things she wanted. For her it was all part of it.

BUT NOW, I guess, she got tired of all the confusion... of insisting on things that she never gotten hold of. I'd like to think she's wiser now and more gracious in accepting defeats. She now knows when to walk away and when to stick up for something. Confusion crosses her path every now and then, but she already knows how to go around it.

At this point in her life, she'd like to believe that she has figured out the things that she needs to figure out. As for the other things... she believes that the Guy up there is already taking care of it. =)

(Excuse me if I'm talking about myself using third persons. Sometimes it's easier to talk about myself when I think of myself as another person. :P )